As a middle school teacher, this is an issue I deal with a LOT. Bullying is treated very lightly, but it’s an extremely complex and heavy issue, especially in the life of a child/teenager. I think you came up with a good answer, especially because I think it’s really hard for a third grader to understand what it means to condone a behavior. Kids that age do what they can to keep themselves out of harm’s way for the most part—and sometimes that includes enabling others’ behaviors. It’s not right, but it’s life.

This is so interesting because I have had a very similar situation in my adult life. I played basketball in college and most of my teammates are still some of my best friends. I do however, have a former teammate who is someone I consider to be a very dishonest person. She has hurt a number of my friends and done some really horrible stuff to people. She has never necessarily done anything substantial to me, but her behavior has proven to me that she is not a good person and not someone I’d like to associate myself with.

However, one of my best friends from the team is very close to her and was even in her wedding! My bestie often says, “well she’s never done anything to me” when people ask how she’s still friends with this girl. I would never stop being friends with my bestie just because she was friends with this meanie, but I sometimes wonder how you could truely trust someone who has done so many awful things to people you care about?

Interesting how many social issues in 3rd grade occur years later…

Tough question! I think girl #2 could also leverage her friendship with the girl to prevent her from bullying in the future.
And I think that most people can have episodes where they are both the bully and the bullied. I was severely bullied as a child/teen but I can recall incidents (which I now deeply regret) where I joined in when the rest of my class was bullying another student, just to have the negative attention directed away from me. 🙁

My advice to the girls would be no it does not make her a bully if she is friends with someone who occasionally bullies but perhaps the girl#2 should really think about her relationship with the bully and if she is ok with some of the bully’s actions and how she, in turn, reacted. Did she say something? Did she let it happen? Did she agree? Maybe some inward reflecting and some more time to now observe with open eyes to her bully friend will give Girl2 an answer in the longer run?? I think Girl2 should be friends with the bully if she really does like her since we all have friends with faults but maybe to feel like it’s OK/have the confidence it’s OK to say something if she disagrees with the bully next time? I think that’ll be the true test of their friendship and whether the bully is a true friend or not. ?? maybe?? so tough. 🙁

Bullying is such a tricky topic for kids and adults. My husband and I always disagree when we talk about it. I get the sense that he was never bullied and never witnessed first hand the effects of it. I wasn’t bullied, but my older brother was, from a young age I started telli g off the big kids on the bus for picking on my bro. It wasn’t helpfull, but I did try. That doesn’t mean however, that I never got swept up by the crowd mentality and stood by while some of my peers bullied others.

Instinctively, my way of surviving adolescents was to fly under the radar, and that for sure meant not rocking the boat. Social dynamics are so hard to navigate for all humans. We want everyone, including ourselves to stand up for what we know is right, but sometimes that would be social suicide.

I think I would tell a girl that if her friends behavior made them feel uncommfortable, they should leave. If they feel like they can’t speak up, at least they can take away their silent support of the meaness by not being there. I have friends even as an adult that I will only hang out with one on one because I don’t like how they act in a group.
So perhaps it’s an easy way out, but that’s how I made it out in one piece.

That is such a tough question! I would probably say to lead by good example. Be a kind hearted and loving person and the bully will follow.

I think what you told the girls is very good advice. Maybe Girl #2 can be encouraged to gently call awareness to the bullying, because her friend may not even be aware she’s doing it.

I work at an elementary school, and I usually tell my kids that they should stand up for someone who is being bullied. That being said, the “bully” may be someone who needs someone to understand her and to be a friend to her, too, because a lot of times bullying behaviors come from another underlying cause of unhappiness. So I might tell the girls to treat everyone with respect, even the bully, but to stand up for what they know is right:).

As a teacher, I can relate to dealing with difficult questions! What I try to remember, and tell my students, is that we are all capable of being cruel. I try not to identify people solely by one element of their character, and so refrain from using the word ‘bully’ to describe anyone. Instead, I utilize the word ‘bullying’ to describe the act of mistreating someone. When speaking in these terms, it is easier to see that we are all in the same boat, but some are making different decisions about how to treat others. As a victim of bullying myself I know how much it hurts, but I also want to teach my students to be compassionate people who don’t label others based on one characteristic.