I’ve never commented before, but I just read that question and tears welled up in my eyes. And this is NOT a topic I have thought a whole lot about before you poised that question. I truly believe the most positive impact you can have is to lead by example, which you will most certainly do. Thanks Caitlin for making me realize that I might need to think harder about my struggle with body imagine. Not to blame my mother, but to just understand and recognize where some of my issues come from so I can head them off!

Unfortunately, I think my mother’s negative body image had a large impact on my negative body image issues. Part of it was all her little comments about her weight, other people’s weight and the calorie content of anything people mention enjoying. I remember telling her I liked carrots because I was proud to like a vegetable and she responded about how sugar is in them.

The most scaring incidents are from my early teenage years when she flat out told me I was getting fat. I wasn’t skinny but wasn’t overweight either (probably on the upper end of the normal BMI for my height, although I don’t like that measure). She believed she should point it out to me so I could do something about it before people started teasing me. But here’s the thing: She was the only one who ever said anything negative about my weight, ever. And I firmly believe that there isn’t anything negative you can tell a 15 year old girl that she hasn’t thought about herself already. I already compared myself to all my very skinny friends and felt uncomfortable. I didn’t need to hear negative comments from my mother.

She also made me join her exercise class of middle aged women and tried to get me to join weight watchers in high school (I was maybe 5-10 pounds overweight). These were not good techniques because I didn’t enjoy any of it and she was only further embarrassing me. It wasn’t until I went to college that I started going to the gym regularly and eating better. I wanted to do it for myself and not for her.

It’s great to hear you talk about not wanting to pass on negative body image because I think a mother’s viewpoint has a big effect, and I worry about passing that on to my children as well. My advice would be to not tell your teenager anything negative about their appearance “to make them aware of it”. They already know. And this is a long away off for you but please never make the first thing you say to them when they come home from college “You look great. You’ve lost weight”. I heard this every time I walked in the door and it was heartbreaking to think that to my mother my weight was the most important thing about me.

Unfortunately, my mom did not set a good body image example. She was very self conscious all the time and would always get dressed behind closed and locked doors. My father would always tell her how beautiful she was and how much he adored her and she would snidely snap at him or roll her eyes. She didn’t want him to kiss her or even touch her at times. The worst part of it all… She felt so badly about herself that she would attack him to “bring him down to her level.” My mother treated my father so poorly for most of my childhood until I was old enough to recognize it and speak up.

Her negative body image has greatly affected me to the core. I struggle with it every day. I’ve wasted years, I’ve missed out on so many adventures and experiences because I was too wrapped up with myself. Does that make sense?

Can I be honest… I am terrified of having a girl because of the relationship I had with my mom. I know that I would have the power to be different than she was but it still makes me nervous that I would somehow end up being just like her without even realizing. I appreciate what you said about body image not only being an issue for girls but for boys too. I just hope I don’t screw it up for my son! And if Baby #2 is a girl… I hope I can do right by her as well.

I have no worries about you, though! You are a great role model for young girls and even adults. Your blog has literally changed my life and I find myself striving to make good decisions everyday so that I can lead a healthier life and be a good example for my family. Thank you, Caitlin!

P.S. – The whole breast pump thing was super intimidating for me. I did buy one ahead of time and I’m glad I did. I ended up needing it much sooner than I thought. I loved my Medella Pump in Style!

All your friends and relatives are aware of the ‘fat talk’ concept – just say ” we don’t want (fat talk, homophobia, racism)that kind of conversation in our house”. Even though BabyHTP will hear it other places, at least it will be explicit at home it’s not acceptable.

Note to some of your other readers – nothing hurts like a disparaging remark from a parent – my heart goes out to you.

Congratulations! What an excited time…I highly recommend reading Sharon Lamb’s book, “Packaging Girlhood.” It offers a deep cultural analysis about the ways that femininity is constructed, as well as practical advice for responding to the comments girls can make as they process all the information they get.

My best friend has a 5-year old who is deep into a “princess stage” and often talks about the “prettiest princesses,” and all that. My friend struggled with this, and found the book helpful because rather than forbidding the sources of information that can impact girls, the book encourages you to help your daughter deconstruct and analyze the information she receives.

I believe there is also a “Packaging Boyhood,” but I haven’t read it. However, the one book I always recommend to parents of boys is “Real Boys.”

I think this is so important. My mom recently told my sisters and me (no brothers) that when we were growing up, she didn’t want to pass on her poor body image and eating habits to us. I think she succeeded.

First, we NEVER judged other people or ourselves based on appearances. She didn’t have to teach us not to do it; it’s just that she and my dad never did. I think that this in particular is one of those things that children always learn from their parents. I’m still horrified when people discuss other people’s weight or looks and they never understand why- because it’s always been done in their families. So even now, if our pants are feeling a little tight or we’re breaking out in crazy acne, it still sucks, but it’s not completely debilitating. I never knew how many other parents commented on their children’s weight or other aspects of their appearances until I went to college, and it’s still so disappointing to see how many do. I think if you can limit your comments to compliments rather than criticism, that’s a huge step in the right direction.

Second, we only kept high quality food in the house. Yes, we had some cookies and ice cream and Ritz crackers around, but my mom cooked and baked for us constantly. Our dinners were home-cooked, real food, or “better” fast food, like pizza or Chinese food. McDonalds was for special treats only. I think this really taught us to appreciate good food, and to appreciate the appreciation of good food, if that makes sense. To this day, we all love food and everything that’s associated with it: big dinners together, cooking, going out for special meals… I think that viewing food with excitement and appreciation, rather than as the enemy, is a huge part of a positive relationship with food.

Finally, she never focused on how MUCH we ate. If we didn’t feel like eating dinner, we usually didn’t have to. If we wanted to have three bowls of ice cream after dinner, we could. No food that was kept in our house was ever completely off limits (within reason- no ice cream for breakfast), and when we went to friends’ houses and were thrilled to find dunkaroos or other junk food, she didn’t make an issue out of it. I think it helps that we didn’t really like junk food that much after being spoiled by good food.

I have a two year old boy and we are dealing with this issue now. The first thing I would say is that even though he is still a baby (in my mind anyways :)), he is extremely observant. I know that he is listening to everything we say, so we are trying to be extra careful about what we say and how we say it.

As for body image, my tactic has been to teach him about being healthy. I use that word often with him, whether I’m talking about meals (“What a healthy supper that is! Look at all those fruits and veggies!”) or his sleep tendencies (“Yes, you have to go to sleep Owen because you need sleep to be healthy!”) or his activity levels. One day he asked why a woman was running by our house, so I told him that she was exercising to stay healthy and strong.

As a result, at the age of two, he has a keen interest in health and what it takes to take care of his body. And hey, if it helps him sleep easier, even better 😉 He is so proud when he picks healthy food out of the fridge, or when he takes a good, long nap and says “Owen healthy Mama!”

Everyone is different, but to me, I want him to have a solid foundation in being healthy. Rather than talking about how skinny or fat or tall or short or whatever we are, we focus on being healthy in our house and I hope that stays with him, even if it’s subconsciously.

(I should also note that in talking about what’s healthy, we don’t focus on what is unhealthy. I don’t want to create food guilt issues.)

My mom spent my entire childhood overweight and depressed, but she was always so positive towards me. So even though she wasn’t an ideal example of health, my self-perception wasn’t based on her own body image, but rather came from her positive words to me. Ever since I can remember, my mother always had postive affirmations for me- about being pretty, smart, active, clever- whatever. And I beleive that those words are the source of my self-confience today. They did not make me conceited or self-centered. I realize I’m not Alebert Einstein and Angelina Jolie rolled into one (not even close). And I still have some ‘bad hair’ days and engage in negative thoughts about my body. But they dont control my life.

You may be closer than you think. The night before I went into labour – I had 2 braxton-hick that lasted 10-15 mins each! If I’d had a third, I would have had hubby take me in to the hospital. The day I went into labour – I had none…but I couldn;t get within 3 inches of anything – my belly was so sensitive. And then, I was batch cooking for the freezer and realized I hadn’t peed since lunch (it was 5pm and this was unusual at that point in my pregnancy) and figured I should try. Took 2 steps and my water broke just like that. 9 hours later – two babies.

Yes – you can buy a used pump. Just replace all of the parts except for the pump itself. You can easily buy the pieces separately – new hoses, valves etc. Medela is great for spare parts being easily findable. Buy the best pump you can afford. I ended up pumping exclusively, despite my best intentions to nurse. Having bought a really good pump was such a godsend.

I was never made to believe I was beautiful by my family. Not called pretty or smart or anything. Not even told I was beautiful by my parents on either of my wedding days was heartbreaking – because that is the one (er two) days of your life you are SUPPOSED to be told you are). It took many years into adulthood to see any worth in myself. It was only when I flipped the switch for myself that I started to realize it was their shortcoming not mine. Sure – I’m no supermodel, but I don’t think I’m hideous. And I am smart and funny and creative and kind and inventive…and those qualities are far more important than anything else anyone can say.

I don’t think you need to worry about setting a good example for them – you LIVE that good example. Heck – you kinda wrote the book on it.

I’ll never forget my grandma taking me clothes shopping when I was around 11 yrs old and telling me in the dressing room that if I didn’t lay off the ice cream I’d have thunder thighs in a few years! That hurt a lot and made me very self conscious. I think your dad had good advice. I’m excited about the new OB book!!

I have actually thought about this topic a lot. For me, it was all about watching my parents and subconsciously learning their habits; my dad always reached for fruit as a snack, and as a result, I do, too. My mom never purchased diet food, like when Snackwells were popular and I wanted to get them she said no, but I could have regular cookies. No pop or artificial sweeteners, just lots of real, healthy food (including dessert!). My dad was always very active and invited us to participate in things he loved, like biking, skiing, and ice skating. In the end, it did an amazing job of creating a healthy sense of self. I plan on doing the same when I have kids. Act how you would like them to act, eat how you’d like them to eat, and work how you’d like them to work.

I personally did buy a used breast pump off of Craigslist! It was barely used and the woman obviously didn’t include any of the parts that would connect to your body and the tubes. So you are pretty much just paying for the pump unit itself. Then I just registered for the replacement pieces that would actually carry milk and touch my body! I ended up paying a little over $100 for a $500 pump!

first of all, you can buy a used breast pump! it’s just a machine & you can buy all the extra parts. hell, if we lived closer, i’d sell you mine! it’s currently collecting dust 🙁 and definitely get one in advance. it may save your husband from having to go out & buy one for you. i hear that’s embarrassing 😉

anywho, from a very early age, i can remember my mother struggling w/ her weight & body image. a lot of her feelings of inadequacy came from HER mother. my mom yo-yo dieted for as long as i can remember. but throughout her struggles, she was nothing but positive, encouraging & loving towards us kids (1 boy, 2 girls). if i ever voiced any discontent w/ my physical self, she would very lovingly tell me i was nuts! she taught us that there are far more important things in life, than worrying about your own perceived imperfections.

when i found out was having a little girl (who’s now 3) i remember kinda freaking out. like, omg, i have to teach this girl to love herself, not have an eating disorder, etc. but then i just remembered all the positive love that my mother gave me. i’m not saying i don’t still worry about those things, but i think that if i continue to be a positive presence in my child’s life, it could end up being a non-issue.

ultimately, no matter how you slice it, society/pop-culture invades every crevice of our lives. so even if we do our damnedest to limit what our children view, someone somewhere will plant that little self-doubt bug in their ear. it’s our jobs as parents to be their touchstone. if you teach them love & compassion for others then they’ll develop it for themselves as well.

On the breast pump … the reason they are considered single use devices is because breast milk can get into the pump itself and spread infectious diseases. Yes, you can buy replacement parts (tubes, flanges, etc) but milk CAN travel down the tubes toward the actual pump. Trust me, it’s happens to mine regularly.

Regarding your random thoughts:
1- My baby is almost 7 months and I still get scared every time I see stairs.

5- I bought the Medela PISA (used a 20% off coupon and gift card)ahead of time and I’m glad I did because I started using it the day I got home from the hospital. My milk took awhile to come in, which meant my baby was always hungry and very fussy. I would feed every 2 hours and pump right afterwards to try to get my milk to come in faster.

8- We knew the sex of the baby since I was about 18 weeks along, but could never settle on a name. We went home from the hospital with “Baby Girl” and were given 3 days to come back with a name. It was torture. I’m still not sure how I feel about the name Juliette.

I got conflicting messages from my parents. My dad was very straightforward and told me I was beautiful regularly, no matter what. My mom would say similar things but it was her behavior (yo-yo dieting, fat talk) that also made an impact.

I went through a few years where I behaved like my mother, and decided that was a shitty way to live. Now I live more like my dad wanted to instill in me. While I automatically mimicked my mom’s way of living at first, it was those things my dad said that helped me to think there must be another way.

I am beautiful no matter what 🙂 That’s a good message for a girl to get from her dad especially.

PS: That almost nine year old daughter of mine was due on 06/13/2003 (same due date as you!) and she was born a week later on 06/20/03, after I was induced by my midwives. Here’s a toast to your baby coming before my daughter’s birthday! ; )

I actually wanted to comment on your breast pump comment 🙂 I bought a used Medela pump off of ebay and saved roughly $150.00 by doing so. When I was at the hospital they gave me a Medela packet with all new pump parts. I’m not sure if yours will do the same but you can use a used pump and just get new parts! I also was very thankful to have a pump right away because my milk didnt come in till day 4! When I got home they suggested pumping to help my milk along. It also helped to pump once my milk came in and I was extremely full and my daughter couldn’t drink all of the extra milk!

My mother hated her body. She has been overweight her whole life and her self esteem plummeted because of that. Depression and sadness towards my sisters and I threw my older sister into an eating disorder, and me into overeating and drug use. I was 23 when I finally decided enough was enough.

I don’t blame my mother for her body issues, I blame her mother for never building her up enough. I blame the outward influence she had growing up for breaking her down. I decided to break the cycle, and if I am ever blessed with children I will to the best of my ability do the same for them.

My daughter is 12, & I have been doing all the things that you plan to do for years. I agree that body image & self-esteem are SO important. If my daughter is exposed to negative talk or observes some other negative activity (whether it’s a stranger, friend, or even Grandma!), I just wait until we’re alone, & I will bring it up & explain why I disagree w/ what was said or done & how it could have been handled better. I try to lead by example, but not be too preachy either because I don’t want her to obsess about what she eats or how much she exercises or how she looks.

I think it is important to realize that both men & women can & do have poor boy image & resulting issues. Both of my parents were almost always on some type of diet growing up, & both commented on their own weight & size negatively, as well as a lot of negative talk about fat people in general. Then when I became a teen & developed curves, they freaked out that I was getting fat & told me for the rest of my high school & college years that I had a pretty face, or that I could be so attractive if I’d slim down, etc. It made me feel so ashamed of my own body, which, looking back, was a very healthy size & pretty sexy shape, just not very typical of a 9th grader! Anyway, I’ve had to spend quite a bit of time & effort to eliminate fat talk from my life, although it comes up in my head sometimes still I think I’ve made a lot of progress. I have told my parents already that I don’t want people to discuss their or other people’s percieved flaws in front of my children, although my first child isn’t due until the end of the summer. I figure setting those boundaries clearly before they have time to come up in front of my kids is best. I know we can’t protect kids from hearing negative talk, but I don’t want it to come from the mouths of those who love them most.
Also, my mom fell down the stairs with me when I was about 6 weeks old. She said my head hit every single stair on the way down but she couldn’t stop or move me without letting go. I turned out ok, so even if it happens there’s a good chance everything will work out. 🙂

My mom always had a really healthy body image- she was thin, but I never once heard her say she was on a diet or say anything negative about her body. She ate balanced meals based on what she felt like and if her clothes were tighter, she just ate a little less for a few days. It’s interesting though because her parents were both overweight, so I’m surprised she didn’t have issues. However, despite growing up w her as a model, I still struggled with eating disorders and body image…but I think it was more influenced by friends and the media, much of which is hard for a parent to control.

My mother and father for that matter to this day have very negative body images; always wanting to be a little thinner or change this or that. It DEFINITELY played a role in how I felt about myself growing up… I considered plastic surgery at a young age up until I was about 20 years old, I had a very unhealthy relationship with food (that I’m still struggling with today) and I really battle with the “if I just lost XX amount of weight I’d feel a lot better”. It’s a constant battle and it’s something I am completely conscious of at all times.

I don’t have kids but it’s something I definitely don’t want to pass on to my children; I think the best way to tackle it is to set a standard in your home and do your best to be a positive role model… As for the other stuff, just talk to them, explain to them why other people say those things about themselves and why it isn’t necessary, and give them the tools they need to set a good example for others. I think you have your head on straight about this so I don’t think it’s much to worry about. Just keep the line of communication open and you will be fine!

I had a very healthy body image growing up and I think it was alot to do with my Grandmother. To this day I have rarely heard her say anything regarding anyones appearance whether good or bad. She always chose to say something about their personality or their character and it was usually something positive. It taught me that whats on the inside is truly what counts and although I was not the most beautiful child/teenager, I never knew that, I always felt confident, and that I was good enough, and that I deserved all the best in life.

However, you can’t keep your kids from watching tv and seeing magazines but what you can do is instill in them that character is always more important than appearance. When you are observing someone or meet someone new instead of thinking what pretty hair or eyes point out something about WHO that person is for example, “what a great laugh she has” or “she is so kind” some trait that isn’t physical and hopefully your child will learn to do the same! It definitely worked for me.

It’s so interesting that you posed this question, as I have been thinking about it for the past week. My mother was never good enough for herself. Always trying to lose weight and judging herself too harshly. I grew up seeing that, not having an example of a healthy attitude. Unfortunately the criticism turned to me. I was labeled as fat. I was always fat to them. Looking back on it I get so mad. If they only knew how deeply those comments affected me. Even now at 26 whenever my mother says something about how I look it’s like stirring the pot. I get angry and she doesn’t understand why. I’ve come a long way in accepting myself and appreciating what my body can do as opposed to how I look. I guess I’d try to raise children with the same amount of balance. Teach them not to judge, teach them to be happy and grateful.

I have actually thought a ton about this now that I also have a little one on the way…

In short, I grew up in a house where my mom definitely struggled with her weight. In her complete defense, she quit smoking when she became pregnant, and then when I was young my father almost died and was in a hospital for over a year while my mom was left essentially as a single parent, caring for two young children and also trying to work full time. In short, she put on weight….

Most of my childhood I watched her struggle with weight and I cannot say that it definitely did not impact me, but what impacted me more was watching her overcome her battle and finally get healthy (even if that didn’t come til she was in her late 50s). She knew she wanted to become healthy, she simply didn’t know how to do that in the best way.

Was their fat talk in our house? Yes. I cannot recall a specific incident, but I know my mom had issues getting dressed for formal things…

More importantly (much much more importantly in my opinion) there was a LOT of positive talk in our house about other things. Yes, my mom struggled with body images (my father did too, but that is a whole other ball game…he was always thin but his own father was morbidly obese so that definitely impacted his lifestyle), but she never made life about our appearance. We were encouraged in so many ways that I think both me and my siblings derived confidence that was completely independent of our appearance – school, sports, friends, etc… that was what was always emphasized in our home and I think that is what truly makes a difference.

In short (given how long this post is), I really don’t think you will be able to “protect” your child forever from fat talk (nor did you imply that), but I think what is key is whether you want to focus on it… I think giving attention to people’s negative talk (even if simply asking them not to do so) will only spark curiosity in a child’s mind about why this issue is SO important as opposed to the many other things in life. I truly believe the key to self esteem is to find value in things other than body/health and the best way to do this is by encouraging those aspects of your child’s life rather than trying to protect them from every negative comment.

Either way, I know you will set a great example.

I grew up with a mother that constantly criticized her weight and body–especially her thighs. She was never over-weight and was an average size. I clearly remember one time when I was in elementary school, we were sitting on the dock she told me to make sure I didn’t have “thighs like she did.” I actually promised (?!) that I would exercise and eat right so I would have thin thighs. I had no idea what was really going on in that conversation, but I do believe it was the start of my excessive preoccupation with my weight and size. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life and have a really hard time believing my mom when she says I’m beautiful, etc because at each stage of my life I’ve always been heavier than my mom when she was at the same stage. Never mind that we have different body types! “If she didn’t like her body how can I like mine?” It is hard to take a compliment when the giver (my mother) has always believed herself to be fat or ugly. It is a cycle that I’ve just recently recognized and have worked hard at breaking. Slowly, those negative and disorder thoughts are going away and for the first time I’m using exercise for me not as a way to “get thin” or fulfill a stupid promise from years ago. Oh the webs we weave!

My mother definitely had a negative impact on my body image, but what she did and said were things so obviously wrong, I don’t even need to say them. As far as other adults, when I look back I remember being told how cute or pretty I was, which is something I try to remember with my daughter. Now that I’m older, and maybe not so cute or pretty, I sometimes wonder if that’s all I ever had going for me. Of course, I know this isn’t true but it is something I have to battle. I try to have different talks with my own daughter. I do, however, notice when we meet new people (or even friends and family) that everyone always wants to say “Oh, look how cute she is!” which makes me uncomfortable. Of course, they mean well, but it reminds me of how adults treated me when I was young. I might say thanks but otherwise disregard the comment and change subjects. When I meet other little girls, I’m very conscious about pointing out other qualities about them that I find admirable. I wish more people thought like you, Caitlin, because it’s scary bringing a kid into this world where people can be so superficial and blindly cruel.

Ha, your worry about dropping the baby while on the stairs made me LOL…as my mom dropped me as a baby (because she saw a spider crawling on my baby blanket!), though I wasn’t dropped down the stairs. But instead, I apparently fell down the stairs while in my baby walker! Somehow I landed right side up (my dad swears I did a flip in the air while going down the stairs in that baby walker)! But I’m totally fine 🙂 No brain damage, and I was a decent student (almost 4.0 in high school, magna cum laude in college and law school).

As for the body image thoughts, cheers to you! I wish my mom would have thought about that issue. Like many women, she criticized herself, and passively-aggressively criticized my weight while I was growing up (she still does it to my sister, as my sister is overweight and hypothyroid). I try not to be too hard on her, but I do think I would have had a more positive image of myself while living in my parents house if my mom had a more positive idea of self-worth.

I went to visit a friend and her 12 hour old baby in the hospital last month. Before my visit I had horrible images of dropping her baby! It didn’t happen- thank goodness. 🙂 You’re amazing and beautiful, Caitlin. I can’t wait to meet your little miss or mister. Hope these next few days and weeks are easy for you.

Not a mom yet ( trying) but my Husband also has red hair and I hope we have a red haired baby and he said no way! Lol You look great! Good luck 🙂

It wasn’t until I spent a lot of time with my mother in law that I realized just how lucky I was that my mother never, ever talked about the things she didn’t like about her body. It just isn’t in my mum’s nature and I’m so thankful for that. Now that I’m around my mother in law more, I genuinely don’t know what to say when she talks about her body…and some of the things she’s said to my sister in law are just not cool. I’m not surprised that she (my SIL) doesn’t feel great about her body.

Great post! I was ver self conscious growing up…due to people outside my family. I have two major goals for my daughter ( currently 9 months)
1) Ensure she does what she loves ( regardless of money, power, image, anything. Just do what she LOVES for her “career”)

2) somehow ensure she is confident, healthy and never has an issue w/ body image. …ummm yeah…how the hell does one accomplish that in this world???

I’ll be reading all the comments. 😉

Bottom line: You can’t shelter your child. No matter how much you try, they will be exposed to those things. As you said, you can lead by example and teach them, but they will still be exposed. Whether it is your friends or if it is on TV/magazines/etc, your child has no way of escaping it. Your job as a mother is to teach your child how to deal with situations, rather than sheltering them from them.

I love this post! I think about this too!! I’ve actually played out a conversation in my head that I would have with my mother about moderating her body image talk (note: it’s mostly negative and she’s a very healthy and fit woman) in front of any child of mine. They say that 50% of children of mothers with disordered eating will having some disordered eating in their lifetime. So for me, it’s about showing them how to love their body and the differences between our bodies in general by leading by example. My mother always told me how beautiful I was and how beautiful my body was and how I should be proud of it, but at a young age, it became apparent that she didn’t feel that way about her body. It didn’t help that I’m the spitting image of her–seriously, our bodies are pretty identical. So of course, this has led to a troubled relationship between my mother and I and her ‘body talk.’ Thankfully, she didn’t influence me enough in that way to push me to an eating disorder, but she certainly makes me very aware of my body when she is around. My sister, however, has struggled with an eating disorder and I can see so clearly how my mom’s body image issues are linked to my sisters–the feeling of self worth that accompanies how their body looks or how they stay in control.

Sorry so long!! I guess the bottom line is, I think you have to show your kids you love YOUR body. Show them how to appreciate what they have and differences between people and they will always have an example to look back on when they’re struggling.

ps. i love your blog, been a long time reader and i am very excited for your new baby! i’ll be sending some serious momma vibes your way so that you can let your body do everything it needs to to bring the little one into the world. good luck!

They say you can’t leave the hospital w/o a name, but you can. You just have to fill in baby girl or baby girl for the first name then file a name change later. My second was a home birth and had no name for 2-3 days b/c we couldn’t decide. We didn’t file the birth certificate for 6 months either.

Breast pumps might be covered by insurance. Mine was 100% with my first b/c we hit the deductible and out of pocket max.

My mom’s negative self talk greatly effected me and my sister. My mom is 5’5″ and about 110 pounds. While she never said anything bad about us, she was constantly saying how fat she was and what a cow she was. My sister and I took it different directions – she fought with anorexia and I became a closet over eater.
We both have fought for years to become happy with our body image and for the most part we’re both there. We’re mid-30s so it took us a while. Trash talk is amazingly powerful.
Sorry I don’t have any good suggestions about what to tell other people when they are doing it. I usually just say something like “hey, you should be nicer to yourself. You deserve it”.
You’re going to be a great mom! You guys have so much love to give. 🙂

You look so amazing; really, really beautiful.

To answer your question (which my friend and I have talked about in depth), I have huge insecurities and a lot of it does, unfortunately, stem from my mom. She has always had very low self-esteem despite seeming outwardly confident (which I guess I come off like as well) and is super critical about her body.

I am much the same and I hate, hate, hate it. I have promised myself, though, that I’m going to do everything I can not to pass the same on to my (hopefully) children. I have a six year old son now and frankly. his fascination with body image comes from his dad. He constantly talks about how fat his dad is (because he says it). But, he and I just don’t talk that way. I do think it’s easier with boys; there just isn’t much pressure but it certainly does still exist.

I think you’re going to set a good example in the way you talk, eat, stay active, etc. Your child will feed off from that. You won’t be able to shelter him/her completely, but your example is the one that will matter most.

Good luck this week!

My mom (a single mother) was constantly talking about her weight when I was growing up, although she never said a word about mine. I was a chubby kid/teenager and when I lost like 30 lbs in my 20s, my mom acted like it was the best thing ever and even though I got to a point where people were starting to think I was too thin, my mom never did. The fact that she was so excited and happy that I’d lost weight and talked about wanting to eat like me really was difficult. My grandmother is the same way and it’s really hard for me. I’ll eat like a cookie or something and she’ll be like, “I cannot believe you ate that!”

As someone ho just gave birth, I had to comment!
No. 5 – I didn’t, but ended up sending my hubby out for a pump after my milk came in and i looked like Dolly parton from engorgement! I just got a handpump – Medela Harmony and i love it.

No. 6 – I had the same feeling … Except… I was in early labor for 4 weeks before giving birth to our peanut. when it comes down to it, the baby fits… I’m not sure how, but they do! (and once you’re pushing, you don’t care that they’re coming out your vagina!!!

My mother was always trying the latest diet and always felt like she had 5-10 pounds to lose, but my dad has always been overweight but, worse, a compulsive eater. I was chubby as a child and became a morbidly obese adult. At the age of 29 I reached my own healthy tipping point and began to work on my eating and exercise habits and am now almost 90 pounds lighter (and have gone through 4 pregnancies!) at the age of 41. My younger sister and brother have never had issues with their weight, so I don’t know if the genesis of my weight problems are from watching my parents or from a real genetic predisposition to compulsive eating like my father. I have learned tricks for myself that help me with willpower, like buying things individually packaged or individually packaging them as soon as I get home from the store.

The question of how to be a model for my kids is a question that I struggle mightily with in my house. We are very careful about what our kids eat and try to teach them about the benefits of eating lots of different kinds of foods. They have been known to read labels and tell us the relative merits of their breakfast cereals! My husband and I are both very active and are frequently training for races, and we make it a point to tell them that sometimes they have to give mommy or daddy time to exercise before we do something with them. The ones who are old enough are all involved in sports to some degree and do a lot of active outside play. My worry is that I am too neurotic about it and worried that they will have the problems that I had. We let them have treats, but we are measured about it (my daughter’s best friend has an all-carb lunch plus a candy bar every day with no fruit or veggie in sight, which she resents). My daughter is in 3rd grade, and she and her friends already compare their weights and clothing sizes…sigh.

Breast pump can be rented at hospital. If you don’t buy one before, you need to rent one before you leave. Your milk will likely not come in till you get home. Baby will be pissed if your supply needs to go up and you don’t have a pump. Warranty doesn’t transfer for used pump, but you can borrow a motor from a friend and buy new attachments from target

I bought a used breastpump, BUT she had only used it twice. She just didn’t make any milk. I would not recommend using one that someone had used a lot. But, if you’re strapped for cash, it would probably be okay. Milk doesn’t actually go into the tubes, so as long as you bought all new accessories…

And this is one of my main parenting concerns, also. I am someone whose Mother never talked about her weight, dieted, etc,. but still developed anorexia and bulimia. After almost dying a few times and getting the (expensive) help that I needed, I am confident saying that I am recovered. I now have a daughter and I would do anything to keep her from going through what I went through. For me, the disease wasn’t necessarily about my body or weight; those were simply the things I could control. Because of this I feel that not only am I responsible for creating a healthy body image for her and setting a good example, but also creating self worth and helping her feel in control of her life.

Ah, children. They change everything.

#5 – is a used breastpump gross?

When I was pregnant with my first, my aunt gave me her Medela Pump In Style (but bought new hosing and attachments for me) and it was a lifesaver! It works just fine and it was so nice to save the money a new pump would have cost. The attachments are not very expensive (valves, “horns” – the part that actually touches your body, and the hoses) and as long as those are new everything is perfectly safe and hygenic.

Every time one of those Dove commercials about self-esteem come on the tv, I cry. I was an insecure girl. I felt ugly, unwanted, unpopular … you name it. Anyway, I’m glad there’s a lot more awareness out there about having a healthy body image–between your site and books to the Dove campaign and organizations like Girls on the Run and Girl Scouts (I was a Girl Scout!) My mom and Dad never really said anything negative that I can recall. They were always supportive and loving and while that is great–when you want to be accepted by your peers, it doesn’t help. Not sure what the answer is!

This is such an interesting and important topic, and I think about it frequently even though I have absolutely no plans to have children in the foreseeable future! Weirdly, I don’t think I’d considered my mother’s role in shaping my views on body image until you posted this; I’m really glad that you did, because I think it’ll be a great way to get a sense of what works!

In my case, I cannot remember my mother ever, ever making negative remarks about her body, or anyone else’s for that matter. I’m not sure if she made an intentional effort not to for my sake or not (and I plan to talk to her about it now!), but I think it definitely helped me maintain a positive and healthy body-image. On the flip-side, we really never talked about health either, so eating well and exercising was something I figured out on my own much later.

For me, I think it was also crucial to my confidence that I was SO interested in other things as a child. Honestly, my appearance was the last thing on my mind for a good many years, because I was an extremely engaged child who loved reading, science, computers, art, crafts, etc. etc. etc. My mom called me an “information sponge,” and my parents always SUPER encouraged all of my interests. That’s why this piece (which I think you talked about when it was first published) hits so close to home: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html

I’m so, so happy that as a child my self-worth came from feeling smart, and good at art, and well-read (and being told those things!) and not from being pretty or cute or whatever.

I know you already have a million comments here but I found this topic to be very interesting because I tell people all the time about how my Mom influenced my thinking about my body.. alll the time.. in a good way. Growing up, I noticed alot of my girlfirends moms would make comments to them about the weight or how clothes looked on them etc… in a negative way like “oooh, you have gained a few pounds and are getting a little chunky” stuff like that. It always blew my mind how many girls I talk to had moms who would say stuff like that becuase my Mom NEVER did. She always told me I was beautiful and taught me to be a good person overall.
Now, dont get my wrong i did not go through my younger years not having any confidence issues at all but it certainly didnt rule my life dispite middle school years full of bullying and being over wieght. I did get upset at times and wished i could just wake up pretty and skinny at times but it was not a constant battle. Id feel sad for an hour and move on.
I guess my point here is that even though i heard the negative talk from other girls and their moms etc…. my own mothers words are what stuck with me through life. Alot of my girlfriends from that time have grown into still being my best friends now and they will be in my wedding. Alot of them still struggle with these body images now and we are all around 29 years old. I dont. I am not skinny and i do work at the healthy eating/excersizing balance but strictly in my mind its for health not for vanity. I wish I could make my friends see they are beautiful too but like you said in your post, it has no impact on behavior.
Lastly, I have realized that my fiance and I are both the same way about beauty and self confidence. We both have moments but they are very far and few in between and that makes me confident that i can teach self love to my someday children.
I think your child will learn mostly from what he sees from you and your husband more than anyone else and you already have a great start. Now I will patiently stalk your blog as I wait for he/she’s arrival!!!!

I was told all the time how “fat” I was and encouraged to starve myself. This did flow over into parenting my first son but I’ve recognized it and stopped it with my second.

You’re huge! It’s so fantastic. You’re going to pop that baby out any day now and I can’t wait. So excited for you.

Babies start out as a blank slate. You can teach them to become anything. Sure they will have some innate traits, such as being stubborn. But you can still shape them into anything you want them to be. Just roll with it.

A little anecdote about why getting dropped down the stairs as a baby was a huge blessing in disguise…
My dad dropped me down the stairs on his first father’s day, walking down our polished wood steps in socks to greet a smiling bunch of parents, aunts, uncles, and in-laws. He slipped and I went flying and landed on the floor screaming bloody murder. I ended up breaking my right leg and had to be in a full-body cast for the first 6 months of my life. Awful. HOWEVER, in doing x-rays and scans, the doctors discovered hip dysplasia that they probably wouldn’t have found until years later, when recovery would have been much harder for me. And while baby-me was recovering, my grandmother moved in to help my mom with all the extra effort involved with a completely immobile baby. My grandma actually passed away a few months after my cast was removed, and my mom always talks about how grateful she was that she got to spend so much time with her while she was living at our house during that time. So the moral of the story is — there are no accidents! You’ll be a great mom, and even if things look like they’re going horribly wrong (aka dropping your newborn baby down a flight of stairs), they just might be what’s supposed to happen. Good luck! 🙂