i’m so not ready to have kids, but have discussed this with an older male coworker a couple times. my hesitance is money. his advice: there’s never going to be a ‘perfect’ time to have kids. not sure if that eases your anxiety about the timing or not, but basically if you feel like you’re just waiting for some unknown ready-ness, there will probably always be something holding you back. have your parents talked negatively about having kids (you)?

I’m not a parent yet but am hoping to start trying sometime soon. I completely understand where you are coming from. My friends don’t get it either and think it’s strange to want them still. And I’m older than you. But being nervous of change is natural. And so is change. Of course things will change. But who wants to stand still forever. I don’t think you’ll regret something you want this much and have put this much thought into either. Good luck!

I definitely don’t have any suggestions in regards to the actual parenting – not there yet! But the only thing I would say, is do whatever feels right to you, without regards to your peers. I have a friend…25 or 26, I don’t remember, but she’s pregnant with her second child and she is loving it – seriously can’t wait for this second baby to arrive and is thinking of more after that! I can go from a conversation with her in the morning, to going into work and talking to someone else our age who says they themselves feel like THEY are too dependent on their parents, and they don’t want kids for at least ten years…maybe. Anyway, my point is, everyone is different and everyone has different paths. Just do you. 🙂

(Also, having PCOS and all, I worry that when I’m finally “ready” to have kids – basically for us, me done with my additional degrees – it still may take my body years to have a baby. But I’ve recently decided that it’s utterly fruitless to worry about it. When I feel ready to try for kids, we will, and if it takes a while, then so be it.) 🙂

I don’t want kids so I’m biased, but all I ever hear is how awful it is. This doesn’t surprise me, but what does surprise me s how many people say they regret having kids. I guess it’s one of those things that you don’t realize until it’s too late? If you want kids, have them and to hell with what everyone else says. It’s your life. Do what you want. I made my decision to not have any, and while I do get people who look at me as if I’m nuts, I also get the people who tell me how smart I am. Also, I’m married, and my husband doesn’t want kids either. I would not have even considered dating him if he did want them.

ahhh Caitlin! This is such a great talk!! I’m not married yet, nor have children, but I understand how you feel b/c all we ever hear is the negative things! And one in a greeeeatttt while I’ll hear something amazing, like “they are such a gift from the Lord” and I think I would agree! 😀 I’m sure it’s the most challenging thing in the world, but I heard that having great communication with the spouse helps a great deal when it comes time for kids. After all, kids do put a strain on marriage. However, I think that they still are a blessing and are to be treated as a blessing. 🙂 It’s so cool you stare at babies too! haha I do the same. (But I’m not a creeper)

Oh lord Caitlin — I could have written this post, except for the part where you’re seriously considering having kids. Jason and I are just not at a point where that makes sense right now (Jason is unemployed and has been for 5 months) and I so wish it was a good time. I love having it just be me and him at home, but I look forward to when there are kids too. I’m just not sure if/when that will happen.

So I know that isn’t advice really, but I know you’ll do what is best for you and your hubby — and I’m sure others will have really good advice for you here as well.

I am due in 4 weeks and still not sure I’m ready for kids. 🙂 I don’t think you will ever feel ready. It’s terrifying to take that leap and decide that you want things to change. I am excited about so much, but I am also very scared of things changing. I love my life the way it is, and while I know kids will only add to that, I can’t help but feel sad that these are the last few weeks of “just us two.” But every time I go into the nursery and stare at all the little clothes, I know that life is about to get so much better!

You’ll never be 100% ready until you have them.. And even with my beautiful 18mth old I don’t always feel ready.. And now I don’t have as much time for myself, my husband and I juggle our full time Air Force careers, full course loads of college classes, and spending time with Layla while ensuring we get time for ourselves too. Sometimes that means a floor that needs mopping or staying up to get that last load of laundry folded and put up, but OMG motherhood is THE BEST thing that has ever happened to me! And I was one if those girls that wrinkled up their face at the thought of it!! Now I can barely make it all day and practically run in daycare to get her!! You will love it!!!! Love your blog!! You inspire me to be healthy and involved 🙂

I think both of you will be great parents, and I believe i is normal to be afraid and have internal conflicts, don’t we have these doubts even when making small life decisions?! I am 24 and I really when to get pregnant when I am 25 with God’s blessing, so it just depends, I guess the only wrong question you are asking yourself is “What would we miss by having the baby?” you can have everything and enjoy your life, and all the things you love just as before, it will just require more planning and to everything in moderation I guess is key. It all resumes to attitude, and how you educate your children, so they are not little monsters 🙂 but funny small creatures 🙂 anyway, I dont have babies,but I believe i is a great experience and is a personal decision, to have them or not, but if you feel ready embrace this feeling and live it!

I don’t ever think you’re every entirely ready for children. I think that if you and your husband are ready to have a family, you should start trying. With how compassionate you are, I can’t ever imagine you saying that you regret your children.

As for me, My husband and I have talked about having children for a long time before we started trying. We have been struggling with infertility for almost three years and very often, I wish that we started earlier. I can’t help but imagine that we might have had a baby already if we had.

I think it means you’re being smart and checking out the situation from all angles. Like anything in life, I’m sure there are pros and cons. I felt the same way you did before we got pregnant. I was excited when I thought about holding a baby (and more so seeing Hubbs hold our baby!) and nervous it might take a long time since my cycle was nonexistent for months after getting of birth control.
Then, we got pregnant on accident, which kind of made the decision for us and I was FREAKED out thinking WHAT DID WE DO?!, we’re not ready!
Now, I’m so excited. Will it change things? Absolutely. But, I always knew I wanted kids, and I don’t think we would have ever found the right time where we looked at each other and said ‘100%, we’re ready’. So I’m so glad things worked out like they did.

Can’t wait to to see what you decide 🙂

I think that you feel hesitant because you are thinking things through and realize what a huge responsibility parenting is. I had my first baby a year ago at 28 and I am very happy with the age I was when she was born, hubby and I had been together for 9 years, married for 4 and we were very ready. Most of my friends had children already when our daughter was born, but we were some of the first to start trying, it took a while.
I do not know why people complain endlessly about their children. I absolutely love being a mom and I am happier now than ever before in my life. I cannot believe how content I feel now. I guess in a way I am fortunate to have the perspective of 2 years of infertility and miscarriages. Any time I feel frustrated I just think back to those days and I realize very quickly how wonderful this time is compared to life 3 years ago.
I am also in the best shape of my life since having my daughter. She made me want to be healthier. I am 30lbs lighter than my prepregnancy weight, and I am running my first half marathon in a month.
I obviously have nothing but good things to say about babies and parenthood:)

I just have to leave my 2 cents. I was 33 when I had my son. (35 now). Never wanted to be a young parent, even when that age hit I wasn’t sure I was ready. And let me give you total honestly…it was the biggest slap in the face, having him. Giving up that freedom, being unsure, having TERRIBLE post pardum depression. All that stuff is reality. Yes, I love him. But you can’t listen to people that may say, oh when you set your eyes on him it’s true love, or it was the best thing I’ve ever done…because that’s not true for all of us. Just go in honestly, knowing that maybe not being ready is a TRUE feeling! 27 is so young in this day and age, and you have admitted to having other stresses in your life right now. Wait until the desire truly hits you. And I’m sure others won’t agree with me or think I’m being “negative”, but honestly for me is always the best policy. I may have waited longer!!!

one of my former coworkers was turning 30 and she said ALL of her friends were getting pregnant. she had the opposite feeling you do – like she was SUPPOSED to get pregnant because everyone else was. she said something i’ll never forget… “i’m going to have a baby when i can’t stant NOT to.” i love that because i cannot WAIT to be a mom, but it’s not what i want in my life right now. when it’s all i can think about and all i dream about, i think that’s when i’ll feel ready. my husband is already on the baby train, so we’re just waiting for me to get in the zone. 🙂

Oh, Caitlin, what a good topic…I say go for it! When you feel a longing for a baby, then you want a baby. 🙂 And you will continue to. Period. All the same things you’re saying now–will it be hard, will there be challenges, will my kids require a lot of work–will still be true in five years, and then in ten! You are always going to work hard and train hard–that’s just you—but there is room in your life and heart for kids if you want them. And you’re financially ready and have the desire, so why wait?

I have seen friends and family struggle for years to get pregnant. It’s prime time for you. Waiting even a few years could make it harder. I don’t think you’re ever completely “ready,” but you guys share the desire and commitment, and could financially support a child, so I’d say that makes it the right time!

I have never commented on your blog but this is one question/issue I do have some experience in so I thought I would write a comment as well. I just had my 4th baby a couple of months ago and it took a while to decide to have the fourth! We have a 10 year girl, 8 year old boy, and 3 year old boy as well…plus the third boy I just had. It has taken some time to think about having each of them but I have no regrets about any. I started when I was 27 and I think it is a great age…not really that young but definitely not old either. My husband and I are the youngest parents at my kids’ school and I like that…many parents are 5-10 years older than us but I am just fine with that. Potentially it means you will have more energy for your kids while they are young, and you will still not be that old when they graduate out of the house as well.

And I would say that people speak negatively about their kids when they are simply having a bad day. At least I hope that is why for the most part. They can be extremely frustrating and hard little creatures to deal with but the rewards are endless of course!!

And I will also say that there is NEVER a good time to plan for kids…so if you are financially stable and in a healthy relationship then I say go for it. They will totally change your life and everything you feel and see in the world but it will all be worth it.

Just my opinions of course…and since I can’t seem to stop having them obviously I love babies too!!

I agree that there is never a perfect time for anything in life. Although it is hard to do so, try to block out others’ opinions and make a pros and cons list with the husband about having kids in the near future. Also keep in mind that life is a fragile thing. You never know what could happen, so if the timing is good for you and it seems right in your heart, go for it!

I don’t think anyone is ever totally ready to have kids! I just don’t think it’s possible to be. My mom was 24 when she had my brother and 26 when she had my sister and I, but she and my dad have been married since they were 20, so they had four years together before we came along. That being said- they never got to travel because my dad was finishing school and went straight into a career. I think they both really regret not being able to do a lot of things, although they were able to buy a house and keep stable jobs. I think some things have to be sacrificed. I don’t plan on having kids for a looooong time, but I know that when I do, I won’t feel 100% ready either!

I had these same questions about a year ago. At 26 (one year married and 8 years together), my husband and I had a list of items we felt we HAD to check off a list before having a child–good jobs, debt paid off, buy a house, travel to Europe…the list seemed to go on and on. I think it’s a list that is never really completed. Having a baby was a desire I had, but I felt like it might not be the right time and, to be honest, I was happy with the way things were, just the two of us. I think that there is always something that you feel you need to accomplish or do before having a child. As many have said, and I’ve been told, there’s never a “perfect” time. Thank goodness for those sentiments, because our time came in February when I found out that I’m pregnant. It wasn’t planned (big shocker!), but at 7 weeks out from having this baby, I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I know that we have many challenges ahead of us that parenthood brings, but I’m ready for this new adventure in life with my husband.

I’m glad you mentioned and have considered the fact that a lot of women- including myself- struggle with inferility and that is a possibility. I’m 32 and have been married for 6 years and while I always wanted kids in theory, when the time came to actually try, I kept dragging my feet. I never even considered the fact that I might not be able to! In hindsight we were probably ready a year or two ago and if I had known the obstacles I would have to overcome to get pregnant I would have started trying sooner (maybe at 30). So you should ask yourself- if your doctor told you that it would take 2-3 years for you to get pregnant would you be upset? or relieved? That might be a good indicator as to whether or not you are ready now!

On the flip side- I’ve had two friends who got pregnant the first month they went off birth control and were equally as shocked. So if anything I’ve learned that you don’t necessarily have control over the timing of these things!

I will be 29 this December and am completely overwhelmed with baby-fever! My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years and have been together for about 8. Our only concern is that I am a chiropractor and working on building my own business, at the same time working a second job and training for a marathon. My husband also works full-time and rides professional mountain bike and cyclocross.
There are weeks where I dont know if I will have time to do the laundry, let alone take care of a child. But financially…this is how it needs to be right now…
Oh the challenges of life!
On the other hand, my brother and his wife just had their first 5 months ago and are completely in love with her! That just makes me want one more 😉

Such a good topic. I remember being 22-23 years old and only hearing negative stuff about marriage and kids and thought “why the heck would anyone want to do those things?”. At that point I vowed that I would keep the negative talk to a minimum especially around younger folks in the work place. And I think I’ve held to that for the most part. One of the cute young 20 somethings in the office recently told me that she wants to be a mom like me and that she’s so happy to hear the positive things b/c the other moms/wives in the office often only talk about the bad stuff. Now, I’m not going to say that it is all hearts and rainbows or that I don’t talk about the negative stuff at all but I do my best to focus on the good stuff. And believe me the good stuff in being a mom FAAAARRRR outweighs the bad stuff. I’ll never understand why the bad stuff is talked about so much more…maybe because it is just impossible to put the good stuff into words that non-parents will understand? My 3 little girls are just the light of my life, the best things ever…and one wasn’t even planned/wanted and I look at her every day and am SO thankful that someone knew better than we did and put her into our lives. I’m all teary eyed now.

As for when you’re ready….you never are. Really. Just do it and it will be the best decision you’ve ever made. Mine are now 7, 4 and 19 months and my first was born when I was 28. Perfect timing as far as I’m concerned.

You and “the hus” will make excellent parents and you should make a baby sooner rather than later!

Kudos to you for actually THINKING about this. So many people just march down the path without ever even considering what they WANT. That’s how you end up with miserable parents and kids.

As someone who doesn’t want kids (yes, we exist!), I think the main thing to remember is NO ONE else can/should make this decision for you. Not your friends, not the people in the comments section, not society. Just you. If you feel like there’s “something holding you back,” maybe that’s a sign. You have to do what will make you happy. That’s all that matters.

My husband and I have also been married for three years and EVERYONE around us is having babies. EVERYONE. I am always getting asked about when we’re having kids. The thing is, I don’t think I want them.

I think it’s important for you to do with your life what YOU want, despite what you hear from the mouths of others. I think it’s awesome when I hear someone wanting a baby as much as you, because I kind of feel sad that I don’t.

And of course it’s scary, but so is quitting your job to write books, or opening a new practice, or even starting the process of buying a home 🙂

Good luck!

I feel like I need to throw in my opposite opinion to mix things up. My fiancé and I are 23 and getting married in less than 4 weeks! 🙂 We both know that we want to have a young family. We are so lucky that both of our grand parents are still alive and we have such great relationships with them. I want our kids to have that same relationship and I want to be a young mom. I`d rather raise our future kids young, focus on my career when they are in school and enjoy lots of time with my future husband in 20 or so years when they go off to school. 😉 It all depends on your lifestyle. We are active and want to be active parents. Not saying that you can`t do this in your late 30s but I feel like the late nights and lack of sleep will be easier now then later! Good luck and all the best!

I am 34 years old and my husband just turned 42. We got married in May and we knew that we wanted to have kids fairly quickly. We thought we would “try” but “not try” at the same time. We knew when my fertile time would be (those ovulation calendars online are no joke) and thought “if it happens in June okay, if not, okay too.” Needless to say it happened in June and I’m now 13 weeks pregnant. I won’t lie I had a ton of emotions running through me (and sometimes still do) — examples include oh s**t what did we just do, yeah baby clothes, back to the oh s**t, and back to the excitement. In reading lots of blogs and books, both are normal emotions. I’ve had an ultrasound and have seen the baby and am so excited and now I don’t want to wait the remaining 6 months to meet the little guy/gal.

My husband is also super excited which I think makes for an all around better experience. From the things you have said in previous posts, your husband sounds like a great guy and will be just as excited as my husband (he was squirming in his chair watching the ultrasound and was almost just as entertaining as the baby).

Also, we have an amazing family support system in place which helps tremendously as well. We have several family members who aren’t as supportive and we just don’t share information with them. I don’t need negative nellies in my world during this amazing time.

Overall though, when to “try” is your personal decision and you shouldn’t be swayed by your friends. You will probably end up with a different group of friends once you have a child anyways — those who have children and hence, similar interests!

Feel free to private message me if you want to chat more! Good luck with the decision!

My hubby and I had our first baby (Grady) on 4/20/11. We had no idea if we were ready or not, but around Feb 2010, we took a babymoon to Hawaii and stopped preventing. Not really trying, but just not using any birth control. Nothing happened until August 2010 when 6 days after we graduated with our masters we found out I was pregnant. I think it happened on its own when the time was right. We kept finding reasons to do it as well as reasons not to do it. We decided to let nature do its thing and see what happens. We do not regret a single thing about our decision. There are pros and cons to everything including being a parent. Don’t let any of them scare you off. We were the first of our friends to have kids. It has made our social life a little different, but we honestly don’t mind being home together more. I think that sometimes people only talk about the bad in life which is why you hear so many horror stories about kids, but the same thing happens with the news. You always hear the bad and not so often the good, but you know it’s there. It’s definitely an amazing journey. You will feel crazy at times. You will see things out of the corner of your eyes because you haven’t slept. But when they look at you and smile or laugh, it’s so totally worth every sacrifice you may have made to get there. Good luck! 🙂

I don’t think anyone is every *ready* to have kids. There are too many variables for anyone to ever be truly prepared.

I don’t really agree with the tone of the last question at all, or even understand it really, but it’s what got me to click and read.

Having kids is a huge sacrifice. HUGE. At the same time that sorrow and frustration is countered by a joy and happiness that I don’t believe you can experience otherwise. There are going to be low lows, but the high highs aren’t comparable to anything else this life has to offer.

At a certain point it’s not about you as the parent anymore, it’s about the child.

I think people talk about the negatives for the same reasons we complain about how bad the weather sucks. It’s a place to start conversation and it’s a common ground that can be built on in a hurry. I don’t know that anyone is complaining to say “I wish I had never had kids in the first place.” There may be a few, and that’s too bad. I think if you dwell on the negative that’s just a bad personality trait. The fun and hilarious things that my kids do constantly remind me to shed inhibitions that I have and enjoy all of the little things.

When we found out my first son had autism I was terrified. I was angry. I had a constant thought of “this isn’t what I signed up for.” Even though raising him has been hard, it’s given me a perspective on life that I never would have had otherwise. I’ve learned so much from Collin. He’s blessed our lives and hopefully we’ve blessed his in some way.

Raising kids is working at home (for both mom and dad)and lots of people complain about their work. The only problem is that kids hear just about everything – and it’s easy for kids listening to parents complain about how hard it is to raise a kid and internalize it.

There’s no better vantage point to understanding your parents than to become one. Caitlin and I have discussed how so many people are still working through abusive, neglectful childhoods that it colors what they say and do. It’s a difficult challenge to overcome what may have happened to you, but the joy of seeing a child with none or even substantially fewer of the “bruises” you sustained is hard to beat.

And the friends who think you just grew a third head? REALLY blow their minds and grow a whole separate body, hand it to them and go “NOW whaddya think? Huh?”

love,

dad

I have been reading your blog for about a year and rarely comment but sometimes I feel like I have something to contribute. LOL! I am 29 and have a 3 yr old. My husband and I have been together almost 10 yrs and married almost 4 yrs. We talked about it for a long time and never really had a hesitation about being young parents. We started trying when I was 25 (Hubby was 29) and it ended up taking 10 months to get pregnant. Going thru the struggle made me so appreciative of my little boy that even when the going gets tough I think about the pain of not getting that BFP month after month and I just hug him and let go of whatever it was that made me angry. It’s not a walk in the park (especially those times when he doesn’t quite make it to the potty) but for me it’s amazing to see him growing and giving me all the love I could ever ask for.

And on the being prepared front…I had a great job working at a mortgage bank making a lot of $$$. When I had my son the economy tanked and the bank I worked for closed I lost my job and my income. My husband was also at a great company and got laid off when our son was 10 months. We ended up living off savings for 3 months until my husband got a job. I’m now a stay at home mom and love it. Sometimes no matter how financially prepared you are to have kids…a wrench gets thrown into the mix and you have to just push on and MAKE IT WORK!

Sounds like you already know the answer to your own question. Fear of the unknown always tries to creep in and make us doubt ourselves. It’s scary to be a parent and although I am not one I have been a big part of my nieces’ and nephew’s life (who happens to autistic)…they are wonderful human beings and they are a blessing in my life even though I am not their parent. My brothers were both scared of becoming fathers…so many things that could go wrong, so many ways they could mess it up – at least that’s what they thought about…and yes, they’ve made mistakes, but guess what? their kids are wonderful and happy and they take each year of their childhoods in stride, with ups and downs. I don’t know you, but it seems that someone with your sense of caring and love as we’ve seen in Operation Beautiful has enough to share with a child (or two!) and will be a wonderful mother. In the end it’s your decision with your husband, and whatever it is, you will still have love to share with all the little ones in your life, whether they are yours, your friends, family’s, etc. Best of luck to you and by they way – nice story in Endurance magazine…I picked one up the other day!

Caitlin, thanks so much for opening up this topic here! I’m in a similar position as you are minus the financial stability, so I have no plans for kids in the immediate future, but I’m certain that I’ll return to this post and these great comments when this becomes a more concrete issue for me.

That said, whenever I contemplate major life changes I think back to Daniel Gilbert’s book “Stumbling on Happiness”, which (to simplify greatly), based on scientific and anecdotal info, basically surmises that people adjust to new circumstances. I would add (and it may be in the book also) that your attitude is crucial to these adjustments as well – a dedication to making the best of not-quite-expected
situations truly can make a giant difference. Basically what I’m trying to say is that you will probably
be a-OK either way, even if life happens when you’re busy making other plans in either a trying-for-a-baby or a not-trying-at-all scenario. If you do come to a solid decision either way I would love to hear the rationale! The only solid pro-baby reason on my mental list is that I think if I didn’t have one (really two is our preference) I would wonder forever what it would’ve been like. Whether that reason ends up being enough to lead us to have children I don’t yet know.

I had my son at just 29 yrs old and my husband and I had only been together a year when I got pregnant (on purpose). I didn’t know I even wanted children until my biological clock suddenly went crazy!
I have never complained about my child, I have never regretted having him and I have truly loved every minute of his three and a bit years. I embraced every time he woke during the night as an extra chance for a snuggle with him, knowing that this time during the night wouldn’t last for ever. It didn’t- he has slept through nearly every night since 6 weeks old. He is a sheer joy, even when he’s being naughty!
The sheer fact you are putting so much thought into this tells me you would be a good, caring mother.

Hi, I read a lot but never posted but I just have to say that being a mom is something you really can’t describe. I was 27 when I got pregnant with my first. I wanted kids (someday) but we were not really trying, but obviously not careful enough, LOL! I didn’t feel ready then and not when I brought her home, but I cannot imagine life without my two daughters. All of those things we did alone don’t really seem all that “fun” looking back! Sure, you can spend time with others kids, but honestly that made me not want any! It is so different when it is your own. There are hard times, yes but the good totally trumps those times. My girls are now 6 and 9. If you like running races, wait until you get to see your kids run or you get to see them learn something new. It does completely change your life that is for sure but I’d be willing to bet you would never want to change it back!!

I’m pregnant now with my first baby and I can tell you that when it happens, you’ll be ready. As long as you and your husband are both in agreement about starting a family, you are in a good place. I’m 30 but we were married less than 2 years before we got pregnant- so I think if you’ve had that nice time together where you were married and not yet parents then you may be more ready than you think. Will things be more challenging, sure! May you have to give up running races or a spontaneous vacation every now and then–yeah! But what comes of it will be worth it. Plus you get 9 months to marinate on all of that stuff.

I always expected to get pregnant quickly. (Not sure why), but it took me about 5 months, and I also did some things to prepare before hand (stopped the pill, all medications, etc). I would start trying, you would be a great mom and you are already the queen of balancing life, so go for it! Plus I would LOVE to read about your journey. There aren’t enough pregnancy blogs out there!

Hey- remember we spoke a little about this at the HLS cocktail party?? This is something you can go back and forth on until you are blue in the face. I personally believe that there is no ‘right’ time…When I was married and 27 I thought the time was ‘right’ but apparently my body wasn’t getting the message and it took me over 2 yrs to get preggers with my first son. Pregnancy and parenting is such a personal experience as are many other things…you just don’t know. Being a parent has completely rocked my world in a way that I’ve never known….but it’s all good.

I am totally in the same boat except that I am 33. Also, my husband works weekend days and overnights during the week so I’m sort of nervous that I’d sort of be at it alone for the majority of the time.

I’ve always known that I wanted kids (although I’ve downscaled my expectations from when I was eight years old and wanted 100 kids). I just feel as though it is one of my purposes in life. That being said, people are entitled to believing that they have other purposes… But that’s getting away from the point.

As for your decision, I consider you VERY brave to open it up to the internet and being willing to take comments. Many, many people are willing to rattle off horror stories, which can only make your decision more stressful. I just suggest that you find some balance between being rational and being emotional about it. Hope that makes sense!

I think the reason people “talk negatively” about their kids is the same reason that they speak ill of anything in life – to get a response or to find empathy. When I say, “oh man, Rowan was a beast today when she woke up from her nap!” I’m just looking for someone to say “gosh I’m sorry!” or “Jimmy is like that every time he wakes up early!” Parenting is hard work and I think most of the time we’re just looking for a pat on the back or someone to tell us we’re normal.

I’m 28 and my daughter Rowan just turned 1. I can honestly that there are days when I think, “I had NO CLUE that life would change this much!” People/moms will try to warn you and you might think you’re prepared (I thought I was the shit because my sister had 2 kids and I “knew” what it was like…hell no, I didn’t!) but most likely you’ll be just as wide-eyed and surprised every single day:-)

There is no person, book, or mommy blog that can prepare you for what your life will be like. BUT HERE’S THE KICKER: I would do everything over and over again for my girl. She is worth the life changes, body changes, schedule changes, missed sleep and changes in friendship. I don’t think, “woe is me, life is so different!” Instead I really do thank God that somehow he found me a worthy recipient of such an awesome gift as my little daughter.

(OK, now, after waxing eloquent on that…who gives a rat’s ass what your friends think? It sounds cliche but if they are really your friends they will stick around kids or no kids. Social life for us is much different now but different isn’t always bad. I have new friends that have kids but I still have my best girlfriends that aren’t moms and what’s amazing is those circles mesh now!)

I agree with what so many have said… there is no right time. My husband and I weren’t trying to get pregnant, but we weren’t trying NOT to get pregnant. So… I am now 20 weeks along. I struggle multiple times a day with happiness and then complete fear that my life is never going to be the same. It is cool to feel it’s little kicks (especially right after I eat)… those are the moments I think “it will all be ok.”

I’m 7 months pregnant right now, and wasn’t sure when the “right time” would be, either. Pregnancy is a LONG ROAD though. After conception you have almost a year to prepare yourself for the major life change that is about to come.

I’m not suggesting that you get pregnant and not have all your ducks in a row first as far as insurance coverage, finances, etc.. However, adjusting to the idea of having a baby and changing your entire life can be done one step at a time during those nine months. At least that has been my experience!

You will never be ready.
You will never have enough money.
You will question everything you do in raising the child.
You will be terified, however you will be filled with such love.
Parenting is the most challenging job, but the most rewarding.
Children are wonderful!!!

Caitlin, this may be long so I apologize.

I am a 35 year old mom of three beautiful children – two creative energetic boys (7.5 & 5.5) and one smart dramatic girl (2.5). The hubby and I have been married 11 years, been together 14. Our (okay my) original 5-year plan was to wait until I was 30 before having kids. I thought that age allowed us to establish our careers, buy our first house, travel, get our dog we both wanted, enjoy each others company, and get financially, emotionally and physically ready for parenthood – like that is even possible.

Now by just looking at my children’s ages you know ‘my plan’ didn’t happen. Somewhere in between my hubby being laid off for 6 months before finding a new job (during the first year of marriage no less), moving to a new location/state for said job, attending a few college sporting events, traveling a little, enjoying our lives with our dog and cat, being 7hrs apart on Sept. 11 2001, and realizing the important things in life the 5-year plan changed.

So in October of 2001 I went in for my annual exam and asked a ton of questions: Will the 6yrs of being on the pill affect our chances of getting pregnant? Will it take longer to get pregnant once I come off of the pill? My doctor assured me everyone was different and the only way to see if there are any problems is to come off the pill and try. So after talking we decided I would stop taking the pill at the end of October 2001. None of our friends were pregnant at this time or were even thinking of it – actually we were the third couple to be married by this time. Our philosophy was ‘we weren’t trying to get pregnant but if it happened than great, if not we’ll continue to have fun’. Apparently we had a little too much ‘fun’ and in March 2012 we became pregnant. On December 9th our family of four – we count our pets as part of our family – grew to a family of five. It is the first time I saw my hubby cry and the first time I knew we made the right decision on ‘not trying’.

Yes, there will be nights of little sleep – only in the beginning months and on nights when someone is sick. Yes, you will have to change how and when you leave the house to eat, watch a movie, etc. – as we joke with family and friends, you can’t leave them in the dog kennel/crate. Yes, children are a handful. Yes, children will get on your last nerve. Yes, there will be more clothes to wash and toys and books to put away. Yes, there will be moments you question yourself as a parent. Yes, they will inherit yours or your hubby’s stubbornness, emotions, and other traits. Yes, they will make a huge mess while eating any meal or snack. Yes, they may color on the walls, doors, windows, books, bed, and the dog. Yes, they may play in the dog’s water bowl and may even combine the food and water together to watch it puff up. Yes, there will be times you are cleaning poop off the walls, out of toys, and off the floor while potty training – unless this is just us. Yes, there will be times when you wake up at night to find puke on the carpet and bed or a trail of it to the bathroom. Yes, there will be times when you wish you could just collapse on the couch with your favorite book or TV show, but instead you have to help with homework, read to the little one, wash clothes, give baths, etc. Yes, there will be times when you look at your hubby and wonder what you got yourself into. Yes, you will have to adjust your outside physical activity.

However, what you get back is: limitless love; daily hugs and kisses; many thanks; a closer bond between you and your hubby; sweet tender moments at night when you tuck them into their beds – my oldest still wants me to do this; endless laughter; silly knock knock jokes and phrases – “I am stuffed like a hot dog” is one of my favorites; experiencing everything again through your child’s eyes; family walks/bike rides/jogs/basketball games (PIG or HORSE anyone?)/trampoline competitions ; family adventures/vacations that enrich their minds; and the knowledge they are becoming amazing thoughtful kids with their own interests and goals in life and you had something to do with it.

Becoming parents is yours and your hubby’s decision alone. Do not let your friends, family, and worries deter you from what you want. Go for it! It is an adventure like no other.

I’m 6.5 months pregnant with twins. We struggled with infertility and had a long journey to get here. That doesn’t mean I’m not TERRIFIED out of my mind. I have no doubt it will be life-changing. I also have no doubt it there be nothing else as rewarding and amazing.

Bottom line – GO FOR IT!

I used to want children SO SO bad, but have sense become a full-time nanny and see first hand what it’s like to have children, without having my own. It’s way different than I thought it would be and I have changed my mind about having kids. I respect people and their decisions to have children, but for me, I don’t see it in my future. I adore my time with my husband and the freedom we have. There are many things I want to do in life and I think having children would hold me back.

If you have the desire to have them and see them in your future, by all means, go for it!! I wish you all the luck. If you guys do decide to have them, I am sure you will be excellent parents 🙂

I have tried to make this comment so many times! I just can’t seem to find the right words.

You have written about this many times. It seems like it’s in your heart that you want to have children, and soon.

I can’t tell you what you should do, but from your blog posts: do it.

Your friends will come along with you and support you (or they won’t). Your plans to do x, y and z may change (or they won’t). You just don’t know. But if you want a child and to add to your family, and you are secure in your love and enough so in your finances: start trying. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

I don’t think I was ever totally ‘ready’ to have kids. I knew I didn’t want to be an older mom though. I wanted to be a younger mom, and then when they’re older focus more on my career. Hubby is 7 years older than me too, so that makes a difference. So that’s what we have done. I’m 30 and pregnant with my 3rd (and probably last) child. Yes, having children is hard. Going without sleep for months on end is difficult, less money is sometimes hard, being the only one in our group of friends at the beginning made it hard at times – but I wouldn’t change a thing. Having children is the single best thing I’ve done with my life. They are the most incredible human beings and I feel blessed every day that I have them. Yes, everything changed, but most things for the better. Yes, I have given up many things, but I’ve gained much more than I could have ever imagined.

Caitlin, your blog never fails to blow me away! I rarely leave a comment because I’m too engrossed with reading everyone else’s responses. But I think you create such fascinating and moving posts!
Regarding this topic I personally have no advice to give in parenting. (I’m 19, still in education etc) However, I can say this: my cousin is a teenage mum to a 10 month old baby. When she fell pregnant our family were quite concerned about her and what sort of life she would lead as a teenage mum. And yes 10 months down the line I’m sure her life is incredibly daunting. But seeing her bring a beautiful little boy into this world has changed our perception on things: sometimes a baby happens accidently or on purpose for whatever reasons, but no matter what a baby is a life – and what is more precious than giving life?
Life is what you make it.. And I think you would make incredible parents!

Caitlin, I have two little boys (three and a half, and seven months) and I love it! Being a mom is not easy all the time, but the joy, learning experiances, and growth I have experianced in being a mom is incalcuable. Nothing can truly prepare you for being a mom – no amount of reading, being with kids, or day dreaming. My husband is the third oldest of eight kids, and I am the third oldest of seven kids. Besides babysitting a lot, I was a nanny for two separate families as a teenager. I went to university, had a career, then put it all on hold to stay at home when our oldest sone was born. I thought we knew everything we needed to know to raise children – and yet we’re learning new things everyday! So don’t wait until you have all the answers, just wait until you’re sure you’re ready – shaky knees and all!

Y’know what, i haven’t read the comments yet but i’m just gonna let my thoughts flow.

My husband and I (or just me) have been having the same dilemma and I have pretty much the same concerns as you, and it sounds like we’re in a very similar position (life and friends-wise, if you know what I mean). I think you’re being realistic about what to expect, which is good. I honestly think that one day you’ll just think, “it’s going to be tough etc but let’s just go for it”. As each day passes I’m sure you’ll get closer to that point. That’s certainly what’s happening for me 🙂 and it’s exciting.

Ok, so I could probably say more but I’ve just finished my late shift at the hospital and my brain is dead xxx Thanks for sharing, it’s great to know that I’m not the only having such thoughts! xxxx

Like many of the commenters, I say that you should just go for it when you feel as ready as you think you can be. I am a super over-planner, and despite the fact that my husband’s job (a research fellowship) is only a two-year position, we basically decided that a) we’re emotionally ready for kids, and b) we simply have faith in ourselves and each other that with every challenge that comes up (financial or otherwise), we’ll combat it head-on and we’ll succeed. We’d rather face slight uncertainty as a growing family with lots of potential, then wait and wait and wait until we both have totally permanent jobs to try to conceive. Because, really, no one knows what the future holds. Maybe we’d wait 4 years till he was well-established in a research faculty position at a new university, only to discover that his federal funding will be cut… or something else disastrous. We never know, so while we feel ready and excited to have kids, we’re just going for it. We feel “ready enough,” and since we have no idea if we’ll ever feel 100% ready (doubtful!), we’re ready to take the plunge.

My friend told me, “you’ll never be 100% ready”. on that note, if you want kids and you know you want to have them sooner rather than later I say go for it! It doesn’t happen over night so starting to “try” is not a bad thing. If it happens you won’t regret it.

There is no “perfect time” to have children. I was 27 when I had my first baby (he is now 14 and taller than me!!!). I was in med school, but we had been married 3 years and were ready for the next step. I don’t regret it at all. My mom was also older when she had me and my sister (31 and 36 at the time) and I wanted to be a younger mom. My next one was born during my residency, and my third just after I finished. They each are truly the joy of my life, but of course not at every single moment. Overall, though, family life is great! Good luck with your decision.

It’s obvious that you want kids. If you go ahead, I think you’ll just love them and never look back. However I don’t think it’s a big deal if you wait a year or 2 until you feel less conflicted.

We are struggling to get pregnant and are just starting to go through treatment. When we were faced with numerous doctors appointments and now potentially thousands of dollars of treatment and accepted it without hesitation, we knew we are as ready as we are going to be.

I had my daughter the same month I turned 22. Many people make assumptions about this and I was definitely the first of my friends but I have never had a regret. I had been married three years to my high school sweetheart and while we weren’t at our best financially, we’ve always been able to give our daughter everything she needs. I knew I wanted to be a young mom and all the time I think how glad I am to have made that decision. I honestly can’t imagine chasing a toddler in my thirties! Not that I wouldn’t, I just know there’s a certain amount of slowing down our bodies do naturally, haha. My husband was in Iraq nearly the whole first year of my daughter’s life and she had colic so there were many nights I was alone crying right along with her. There have been many experiences I never could have dreamed of before I had kids but in the same manner, I never could have imagined the immense love I would have for my child. I’ve always felt like there are things women don’t talk about (men too) but I think people who aren’t parents can’t possibly understand. I mean it in the best way… it’s just our biology to become attached to our kids, the same way they are to us. So even though blowout diapers and 2 year molars might seem like a nightmare, the moments when your kid says “Mommy, I love you” make it all worth it. As for parents who talk bad about their kids, I feel like those are people who either seriously have their priorities messed up or have mental issues they aren’t aware of. When parents take time to parent their children, rather than acting like they are some burden, the children thrive and are healthy and happy.

Most of our friends have had unplanned pregnancies and their children range from 2 weeks to teenagers, however most of our friends’ are awesome as well. You know my husband was just joking last night that in my brain there’s a never ending ticker that says “babybabybabybabybabybaby”. LOL ALL of our friends say that you’re never ready for kids. While I really want a baby soooooooooo bad, there are Sundays that I realize how awesome it is to sleep in.
Basically I don’t think you should by what others say because it’s your and your hubby’s life and you guys know better than anyone what you want or what you don’t want out of life. One of the things I look forward to (what I want the kids for the most) is to see what kind of people my hubby and I make, what kind of a legacy we will leave in this world. While it’s not happening this year (need house!!!) I am so excited to be pregnant, have a baby (or 3), raise them and shape better versions of us.
Meanwhile I’ll just keep crying at the damn Pampers commercial (can it get any more adorable!) and watch everything with a baby in it and hope that sooner (than later) we are blessed with such a gift. Do what you guys feel is best for you, everything else will fall in place.

OH, and I was really undecisive – which it sounds like you are too 😉 so we did the whole “if/when it’s suppose to happen, it will happen” and, well, what do you know, next month we were pregnant! ha!

The time we knew that we were ready – was after I had a miscarriage. While that pregnancy was a ‘suprise’, the grief and loss we felt highlighted just how ready we were. Sadly, we were to have another loss, and then have to endure over a year of fertility treatments, but I am so very happy to say that I am now 15 weeks pregnant and could not be happier!!! For us, it was definitley something that we talked about in depth, to make sure that we were making the decision to have children for the right reason….and not just because ‘well thats what happens after you get married’ lol

Don’t scare me like that!!! 😛
Well, I can tell you trying to achieve being PG is a tough road for us. We are going on 2 1/2 yrs of Trouble trying to conceive. The fertility treatments are not working so we are taking a break and re-assessing what we want to do.
Honestly, hearing these stories does not scare me b/c I want to be a mom. I have wanted to be a mom for 2 1/2 yrs….

Can I be honest with you? Children are no longer considered blessings, they are considered burdens. Will anyone say that outright? No, of course not, but with the way they talk so negatively about their children you can clearly see that 1 or 2 is a blessing and anymore is a burden.

This said, I have 4 going on 5 children and we’ll take as many more as the good Lord will bless us with. We’ve had children by birth and adoption. We see them truly as beautiful blessings.

Its all in the mindset. Once you get past the way the world sees things and see things far more clearly your mind will change and you will put aside all fear and just take a step of faith. Is it still scary? Yes, a little. But they never go hungry, they always have nice neat clean clothes, and they are always loved. Does the budget always budget? No, oddly enough it doesn’t always balance just right but everything is paid and on time, no debt, food and clothing covered and still money for the good things in life. I guess it all comes down to faith.

It all comes together and I can’t explain it. You know in your heart what you need to know. When your ready just take that step of faith.

OMG! I’ve been having this exact same issue….I’m 29, my hubby is ready for kids, ALL of our friends are pregnant or have kids…..in our neighborhood, the wives get together once a month for a hang out, and there’s constant stories of “OMG give me a drink, my kids are making me crazy/driving me nuts/I feel like I’m having a break down” – that doesn’t make me want to jump on the bandwagon! LOL The last time this happened, I let them know that they were scaring me, and they said “oh no, it’s really great being a mom!” LOL I’m like uh…doesn’t sound like it! I’m also scared of how it will change the relationship btwn my husband and I…..I don’t want to resent him for feeling like he’s not chipping in, and I don’t want to be the hormonal psycho….I’m sure once we have them, I wouldn’t able to imagine life without them….but I’m still hesitant!

Wow you have a lot of comments! I’ve been a long time reader, first time commenter, I think and since DH and I are talking about starting our family and we’re only 22, I think you are just fine! Good luck!

Holy cow – is this your most commented post, or what?!

The hubs and I were together for 8 years before even getting engaged – we wanted to be financially stable before we went spending oodles on money on a wedding. We bought our house first, got settled in, worked hard, planned, planned, and planned some more. During our short (less than a year) engagement we got pregnant! I was told that I wouldnt be able to naturally conceive because I suffered from anorexia for years. It was a shock, and something we certainly hadnt planned for yet. Needless to say, as unplanned and unexpected as she was, our daughter is the absolute light of our lives. Sure, she takes up more than half of my bed, dominates the TV selection, and the entire living room with her things, but it is SO WORTH IT!! She turned 2 yesterday, and I almost can’t believe it. Time flies so quickly – the bed sharing, lack of sleep, lack of date nights, and the swap of a chic grown up space for a toddler’s paradise will be gone all too soon.

I say go for it, Caitlin! You guys will be terrific parents … and you know what they say, the best laid plans ….

All the best!

I was going to come on here and comment and was amazed at how many people already have! All I can tell you is, having my girls was the best decision my husband and I ever made. I never felt like I missed out on anything and I would not change it for the world. I also didn’t want to be “too old” and wanted to be finished by the time I was 30. I had my last baby at 29. We were together 4 years before getting married and (also lived together) and married 2 years before trying to start a family. We will be celebrating 18 years of marriage in the new year. It wasn’t always easy, but nothing is. My girls are growing too fast and I would love to go back in time. Or freeze it! I often find myself wondering what I will do when they are in college. I make myself feel better knowing that I am young enough and in good enough shape to travel and do whatever I want! And I’ve always been young enough to keep up with them – well, my 13 year old can now outrun me. At least in speed, not distance. Yet… 😉

ah so i just had to comment on this one! let me preface this by saying that i know this is NOT NOT NOT the same thing as motherhood, but i think i had a glimpse into what it would be like to raise a child when i moved home during my junior year of college to help my brother (a single dad with joint custody) raise his son. my nephew was an infant when i first started helping out. he was such a handful and there were a lot of times when i just felt so overwhelmed. i remember he had an ear infection, but we didn’t know it at the time. my brother worked at night and i worked during the day so i would be alone w the baby at night. he was crying so much and i had him in one arm and was trying to type a paper up for school and we both just ended up crying in bed together. there are moments like that where its overwhelming, but it was always so worth it. he is my absolute favorite person ever and i try to soak up every minute i can with him. i moved away once my brother had his situation stabilized and i miss my nephew SO MUCH every single day, without exaggerating. every time i go home, i spend almost all my time with him. when he was a baby and even when im fortunate enough to visit now, i just bring him with me. there are moments, like when he cried the other week when i put his left shoe on before his right (i dont even know…) where i think its nice to have my freedom. but they are all trumped by moments like when he recently asked me “can you just be done living in chicago yet?”

with that being said, i’ve always, always known i’ve wanted to be a mom. in talking to a friend recently, i said that if you gave me a career, being married or having a baby and i could only choose one and would have to forever give up the other two, i would hands down choose motherhood. in my ideal world, i’d have all three 🙂 im 23 and single, so motherhood isn’t happening anytime soon, but i’ve had baby fever practically forever!

It’s really unfortunate that people feel that way. I am a firm believer that life is what you make it, and the same goes for parenthood!
I personally have had a wonderful experience with my son, and I’m guessing that if you and your husband both feel the same way, your parenthood experience will be amazing.
Good luck with your decision!

We have never been happier or closer than we are now that we have our daughter. She slept beautifully. She is an angel. She is well behaved, happy, and joyous. She makes us laugh all the time. She’s a beautiful addition to our life. Seeing my husband as a father has made me love him ten thousand times more, which I never thought was possible. Yes, sometimes we’re more tired. Yes, we’ve had to come up with more creative ways to spend time together. We have never regretted our choice for one minute. How did we know we were ready? We just knew, and then we didn’t, and then we did… and then we sat down, ran a budget, and talked about the practical details. We figured out if I could stay home or would have to go back to work, we made financial plans, and we took the leap.

Great convo. One thing I wanted to throw out is that sometimes when I hear my friends talk about wanting kids, they all kind of assume they’ll have happy, healthy children. Which the majority might. But they might not. I think that when people “plan” to have a kid they plan for the best case scenario. But what if it’s not like that? You’ve gotta be ready for any.thing. with kids. Accidents, illnesses, behavioral disorders, etc.

Sorry to be a debby downer, I just don’t feel like people my age ever talk about this stuff. Maybe because it’s too scary, but I think it should be considered when weighing whether or not one is ready to have a kid. (Which I’m decidedly not. One night in the emergency room at the animal hospital with my dog convinced me of that!)

Caitlin, can you please have a baby?!? You’d be the best mom, just look at all you’ve done for Girls on the Run!!

First of all.. don’t let other peoples experience raising their own kids affect your opinion! I always hear people talk “negative” like not sleeping well since 1999 or the house is always dirty.. but you know what.. you still love your kids no matter what! That is what having a family is all about and breaking in your house. So what if they get juice on the floor, you can clean it up! You were once a kid as well.

If you both want kids, then there shouldn’t be any thoughts of what if. And I wouldn’t even worry about having a complication to try to have kids. You know what you need to do and it will just happen. If something goes not the way it should, you will just figure it out then. It is all about life. You guys will make great parents and I wouldn’t let all that stress get in your way of baby making!

I think you just stole the words right out of my brain. Seriously.

I am 27, just celebrated the 3rd anniversary, we are financially stable, and I am beginning to think….now what?? I have had SO many friends announce pregnancies in the past month and I’m really starting to think, is it our turn now? I know my husband would be happy to wait another 5 years, but I am like you, I’d rather be a “young” mom. I just don’t know how you’re supposed to really know. I love sleeping in on the weekends, I love late nights with friends….but then I see a baby and my ovaries practically ache.

You’re post was great to read, mainly because it assured me that I am not the only one who feels like this. Being a grown up is so much more challenging than I ever thought it’s be 🙂

I’m not if at 382 comments you’ll even have a chance to read this– but as a regular reader (and now, first time commenter!), this is one topic I feel that I’d like to weigh in on…

I am 26 and my husband is 36. I have a 10 week old daughter. My husband and I have been married only a year and together for about 5. Since the day I met my husband I knew I wanted to have children and since he’s older I knew he’d want them sooner than later.. and probably sooner than me and sooner than every one of my friends (who are all in their mid to late twenties). I am the first of my friend group to get married and definitely the first to have a baby. It’s been really tough the last few weeks, but I am so glad we’re doing it now. Even if my friends dont have their own kids, and kind of look at me like I’m loonie-toons when I talk about baby poo, they have all been so amazing and supportive and I am so glad that my little girl will know married people, single people, everyone!

My husband made it a point that we travel extensively in the years we have been together– I’ve been to Asia, Africa, Europe etc. and all mostly funded by his wallet. He wanted to make sure I got to see the world before we settled down to have kids. He said that I would have seen the world eventually if I didn’t need to “rush” a little into starting a family, so if he could help me see it faster he would.

Raising a baby is 100% the toughest thing I’ve ever done. If I wasn’t ready, I think it would be even tougher. The days that I want to cry or pull my hair out or just walk away from my house for 20 minutes to breathe would be much harder to tolerate I think if I hadn’t wanted her so badly.

Being a young mom is cool and even if your friends aren’t doing it, I think you’ll know when you’re ready and you’ll want it so badly your heart will ache for it. Best of luck Caitlin!

How boring would life be if it DIDN’T change every now and then?

In the limited capacity that I ‘know’ you, you seem like you’d be a lovely parent- whether that life change were to happen to you as a happily married 27 year old, a single mom of 16, or as a career-oriented 40 year old. I think it’s just in some people, and you’ve got it in spades 🙂

I’m in the minority here in that I don’t have kids and am in no rush, so I’m going to tell you that it’s just as ok to wait!! You know how you made the decision to commit to your husband? Whether you did it consciously or not, you weighed up commitment to one person vs. the things you enjoyed about being single, and you went for it. When the balance is tipped so far in the baby along direction that the decision is as easy, you’ll know you’re COMPLETELY ready. That’s my logic, at least!! Personally I’m not there yet, so I’m going to spend the next few years doing things like drinking too much wine, making spontaneous plans, buying pretty shoes, and travelling 😀

I was the first of my friends to have a baby, and that was 15 years ago! Let me just tell you, there are no words to describe how much I love being a mom. (And I was very young when I had my first.) Now that my kids are older, I can’t believe how much I just love who they are, am blessed by them, and now get to watch Steel Magnolias with them! It will change your life, but just like getting married, it enriches you in ways you can’t even comprehend until you’ve experienced it. Just think about how much your parents love you, and there it is. Blessings on your journey.

Hi Caitlin,
you will not know if the time was good for baby or not, before you have it. This is the greatest goy in life, if you want to be parent, dont hesitate.
I think that parents talk negative of their kids because when they do so, they feel more important, they are doing a JOB, difficult job of raising a child. For me it was never difficult, I had my son when I was 20 and tried to concieve him for 6 months. He was a great gift for me, and he was never too much work for me.
Now at 28 we are trying for our second child, we started at 27, but still no baby. By this time I planned to have had 3 children, but I started planning like you, first home, them career, and now I am so sorry that I waited so much and their difference in age will be so big.
This is my experience, I think there is no right time for babies, never, but if you wait too much, you may regret one day. Good luck.

I will go against the grain here, but I believe that there IS a better time than others to have a child, and there is a time when you are more prepared than another.

I think parenting is the most important thing that an individual can commit to and it’s not a job to be taken lightly, or to “let nature take it’s course and see what happens”- I think creating and bringing a child into the world is the biggest commitment and impact an individual can make on our world and I believe you CAN be ready and prepared and not have it be an “oops, well, we’ll see what happens”. I don’t believe that is fair to the child, to the parents, or to our Mama Earth.
At 31, I have finally decided with my husband NOT to have children, and I am 110% happy with this decision. Motherhood was not something I ever yearned for and I certainly never thought I’d bring a life onto this earth just to see if it worked our for us and as insurance against later regrets. I take motherhood EXTREMELY seriously and give props to all moms. I believe that your future child deserves a set of parents who are at, the very least, semi-prepared financially and marriage-wise. From following your blog, you and the hubs seem on the same page, so I encourage you to listen to your heart and your instinct, not the opinions surrounding you, and if you listen from your heart, you won’t make the wrong decision.

I’m not in any position to give you any insight about babies or wanting babies, I’m in a stage of my life where I (and my partner) are still being a bit selfish in our careers, travels, life in general. We are only 25 so a bit younger as well… but I just wanted to say I think it’s SO great to see the outpouring of support from women (maybe some male readers as well) in response to your baby question.

Whatever decision you and your husband make, it will be the right one at the right time. And I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you!

Jeanelle

I just turned 28 and for the past two years my desire to have kids has only been more and more intense. It’s a very real and almost ever-present consideration for me. The catch? I couldn’t be more single.

I know 28 is still young but at the same time, I feel my baby-making years ticking by. It even feels kind of crazy to say out loud, but I’ve started saving money to “make a baby” just in case, even though in a million years I never thought I’d want to parent alone…and still don’t. But even more so than the fear of parenting alone is the fear of not taking that leap, missing the fertility boat, and living the rest of my life with that regret.

But when is too late? ya know? Obviously my ideal would be to date, fall in love, get married and then start trying by 35 but at what age has that ship sailed?

I’m totally getting ahead of myself. I just wanted to share my two cents and that I can relate to how complicated the decision to pursue having kids can be.

I am a new mom to a beautiful 2 month old little boy. My husband and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary 4 days before our boy was born. We had talked about kids, and I also wanted kids at a young age. I had just graduated with my masters, I wanted to pay off my student loans and get some teaching experience under my belt, so we decided to wait at least year. A few months later I found out I was pregnant. We were careful, I took birth control, and it happened. It was meant to be and I wouldn’t change a single thing. I feel like you can never be completely ready, wether it be financial or mental or another type of readiness.

I am the only one of my friends with kids, and also one of the youngest. I won’t sugarcoat it, it is HARD being the only one. Sometimes your friends just don’t understand that you can’t just pick up and go out to the bar or to dinner, etc… But that’s okay, they won’t understand until they have kids, and I’ll never judge them for that, hopefully it goes both ways.

As far as the engative talk goes, again I am a new mom, I don’t get it. Yes I was sleep deprived, yes sometimes the crying is hard for me to take. But my baby had to go back to the hospital one day after being discharged. I had to watch him be poked and prodded, and it was torture. I am extremely grateful that I was able to get pregnant and now have a healthy baby, not everyone can claim that. I am sure in the future he will frustrate me and make me crazy, but I will never regret him. I think sometimes those who complain maybe have their plates too full, wether by necessity or choice. I am very lucky in that I get to stay at home with my boy, so my only job is to be a wonderful mom and wife. I don’t get much “me” time right now, and I am okay with that. It makes me realize we were ready, wether we thought we were or not.

I think some people genuinely don’t want kids, and that’s okay too. I definitely have a few friends that are married and they just don’t want kids, ever. That’s okay, I don’t love them any less, and I still spend time with them. We just have different life goals.

Okay – that was an extremely long comment, I hope I answered some of your concerns. I love your blog!!

I was one of the first of my friends to have kids. I was barely 25 when Sarah was born and just about 28 when I had Noah. I have absolutely NO regrets having my kids young….I had always said I wanted my family complete before I was 30 (mission accomplished). Now I’m 37 and they’re 12 & 9 and life is getting back to being more “simple”. Sure, the first 10yrs was “difficult” in that you lack sleep, every trip takes planning and life basically revolves around you kids schedules, but you know what? It is SO worth it! So, so worth it!I look at some of my friends who are still waiting for the “perfect time” to have kids, but no time will ever be perfect and I’m so happy to be on my end of raising kids and not just starting out. Sarah is already babysitting and both the kids are OK to be home alone which is just awesome! In sum; being young parents is awesome, as far as I’m concerned!!! 🙂

Okay, there are a TONNNN of comments here, but I will add my two cents.

I am 26. I got unexpectedly pregnant (with my husband of 3 years) and now we have a 1-year-old. It’s hard to imagine that it WASN’T planned, since he has been the best thing that’s ever happened to us.

Our marriage isn’t better, we aren’t bleeding money, and we still do the things we love (travel, go out to eat, etc etc). Babies do not change everything – it really depends on the kind of person you are.

Also, there is no right time. In fact, I wrote an entire post about the myth of the right time.

I read your note about 40% of parents who were asked anonymously is they were glad they had child, and they admitted to regrets.

The side of parenting I wasn’t expecting is that life is a continuous set of lessons for parents also. Children come to us with many gifts…hugs, kisses, and love – some gifts are in a different wrapping like illness, personality challenges, or simply normal developmental stages that require us stretch past our comfort zone and see things in a different way. This can be very frustrating for some and not within their expectations or abilities.

Raising you taught me as much as I taught you, and we grew up together – thanksJ. You and Kristien have the energy, patience, love, and a desire to meet challenges with a positive attitude. Parenting is a very personal choice. One we make with our partner based on our situation and ourselves – the statistics need not apply here. You will be wonderful parents no matter what life gives you. I also forward to meeting my sweet grandchild and watching your little family grow in love and size.

I have no real advice to contribute, just wanted to comment and say OMG baby fever everywhere. There must be something in the water around the blog world!

Good for you for reaching out and asking questions! I think so many people walk into parenthood having NO idea how much their life will change, some for the good, some for the not so good. It is the most important job you will EVER do and I applaud you for thinking with your head, not just your instinct. Because that is what “baby fever” is. We are mammals. It is in our genes to want to make babies. I think the main point many people miss is that of course you will love your kids, with all your heart and soul, and would never return them or change it if you had a time machine. But sometimes parenthood sucks. Not the kids, but being a parent. It can be hard work at times. Rewarding. But hard. But I think if you go into it knowing that, understanding that it won’t all be super easy, then I think you will be a great Mom. Enjoy the ride!

Think that by even thinking about it before acting on it shows that you are more than ready. You can’t let other’s negative words impact your decision. Of course life will change – some of it for the better and some it for the not so better, but I wouldn’t say worse. You just have to be less selfish and wlling to give up some things and time for yourself. It took my husband and me over 6 years to get pregnant and at 31 we had our first child 4 weeks ago! I wouldn’t change anything :)i

Me & my hubby are in a very similar position as you & yours seem to be (together 9 years, married for 4, bought a house 3 years ago, have decent – but not dream- jobs, and a desire to have a kid one day). We figured a kiddo was the next step, but we were still hesitant for the same reasons – I KNOW there’ll be big changes, but how will it change our lives & our awesomesauce relationship together?

Everyone told us we’d never feel 100% ready for kids, so we should just go for it. I tried to research, plan, & prepare, then went off BC thinking “we’ll just see what happens.” That was in June, and we just found out 2 weeks ago that I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I thought it was possible but not probable, so we’re still a bit in shock, but also excited and trying to just go with the flow. Happy? Sure….but scared? Hells yah.

I don’t really have any advice per se, but I will say that I’m starting to learn that everyone pretty much just wings it throughout life. So even though we don’t feel like we know what we’re doing or if we’re ready for any of it, life happens – and it doesn’t really matter WHAT happens as much as it matters HOW you choose to deal with it.

(Based purely on what I read on your blog:) You’re an uber positive person in an awesomesauce relationship who likes to kick bum when faced with a good challenge – if/when you decide to grow a tiny human, you guys’ll rawk it bc it’s just in your nature to do so. 😀

lots of ?s! haha
I had my son when I was 19. Obviously not planned and I was the first of my friends, BUT I wouldnt trade him for anything. yes. I complain about lack of sleep etc etc.
BUTTTT I think that we usually talk about the negative WAY more than the positive (ex. if a boyfriend does soemthing nice, you talk about it maybe a little. If he pisses you off, everyone and their brother hears about it)
As parents, there are some pretty amazing things that do happen everyday! We either dont talk about them, or we just go about getting lunches ready, laundry, and drinking coffee at the same time.
Things will change, but dont forget about the hugs and kisses you receive. The smiles you see in the window when you get home from work. Or the million “I love you mommy” sayings.
Its hard work, but everyone keeps on having kids- there has to be some perks right??? haha

Parenthood is rewarding, maybe because it’s challenging? I remember when I was pregnant with my first child (more than 23 years ago) all the people moaning, “Your life will chaaaange forever!” and I remember thinking how negative they sounded. Once you challenge their remarks, they usually backed up and stated all the joys over the lack of sleep, inconveniences, etc. Bemoaning how HARD it is reminds me of the people you run into that are always “so busy”; it becomes a bit of a martyr-type attitude. Travel is a piece of cake with kids, as is everything else when you just keep it simple. Stuff isn’t necessary to raise kids, just love. We didn’t have the most fashionable stroller or butt-wipe warmers and saw a lot of Europe while stationed there with a baby in a backpack. (breastfeeding rocks for simplicity!) Our (now young adult) kids haven’t been PERFECT, or done things exactly the way we hoped or planned (read: not always taking the easiest route); nothing and no one is perfect, but the joy is in seeing them find their own way and become their own person through their own choices. They don’t stay babies for long…..life is ALL about change. You might think your life will be the same tomorrow as today, but it’s constantly changing. You can bring a baby into your life and enjoy those changes too.

I never wanted kids. The sound of a crying baby drove me crazy. Until one day, I started having second thoughts. I started noticing how happy mom’s were with their little ones, and started thinking that I might be missing out if we decided not to have any forever.
We tried for one year. Then it finally happened. When I saw the positive pregnancy test I thought “oh my god, what have we done”. I hated being pregnant. Its not all glamorous. Your body changes in ways you never would have imagined. I had morning sickness. I got stretch marks. Once I felt the baby start moving though, I began to get excited about becoming a mommy.
MY delivery was awful but as soon as I saw my precious little girl, all of that stuff that I thought was so bad did not matter. I had the most prefect, precious, amazing gift in my arms. You realize that your life changes forever at that very second, but ten and a half months later, I would not change anything for what I have now.
The first three months were a HUGE adjustment. I could not just go to the store when I wanted. I had to plan around naps, breast feeding and diaper changes. It wasnt so easy just to run and get the mail, because I had to lug that heavy carseat in with me, even though it was just for 30 seconds. I had to watch what I ate because all of the healthy stuff seemed to bother my baby’s tummy….Its not all fun.
BUT being a mommy is truely the best and most rewarding job that you will ever have. I never once regret my decision (and I was that person who didnt want kids). I wake up every day with a smile on my face, and I get greeted with a smile when I get my daughter out of her crib. Every day is the best gift that I could be given.
Good luck with your decision. The best book I can recommend is called the baby whisperer. My baby slept through the night after two months!

Double comment! (like double rainbow, only slightly less amazing)

So, I went to a lunch today featuring a talk by Steve Ford (Gerald Ford’s son). It was about ethics and character and he included a lot of amazing stories from being in the White House. Anyway, at the end of the talk, he showed us a copy of a book his dad made for him and his siblings. The President wrote about a half page mini-essay on 20 topics he felt were important – such as how to be a good spouse, how to handle failure with dignity ect. Steve Ford said he was about 20 when his dad gave it to him, and he was all, “yeah, um, thanks dad” at the time. But later, when he was struggling with his alcoholism and trying to remain sober, he read that book over and over. He said something that made me think about this post/conversation. He said that it was one of the best gifts his dad could have given him because when he struggled he had an “instruction manual for life.” Then he encouraged us to do the same for our kids, grandkids, or the kid down the street without parents. I thought that was so cool! So, we may not have an instruction manual, but we can pass one down! I know I don’t feel capable of giving someone life instructions; I still want a manual for myself. But I’m sure his dad didn’t think he had it all figured out either. Anyway, I left inspired. Best of luck in your decision! 🙂

Hey Caitlin, I’m the first one of my friends to have a kid. I think that it’s the best thing ever! I also think that having a family trumps all else. Your kids are your legacy – they’re also a lot of fun (and loads LOADS of work). But really, having a family is something important. Your life will change. It will be okay too. Not worse. Just different from before.

We live in a two income world where money comes first, then family. Kids aren’t a burden on life and our dreams. They get to be part of the dream. I probably sound crazy, so I’ll stop rambling. Best of luck whatever your decision!

Great discussion. I need to go back and read all the comments. My husband and I are older than you (31 and 29) and are childless & are, generally, pretty happy with that. But I wanted to note a couple things, (1) there never IS a perfect time to have a baby. My brother had his first son when he was a first year medical student and his wife was working full-time. Not ideal, but they love that guy. And (2) don’t worry about the financials too much. My husband’s mom raised her 5 sons at just above the poverty level all by herself. Kids don’t need fancy things or lessons, they need love. Every one of her 5 sons are great guys.

If you want to be parents then do it. Don’t put it off until a better time, because there really isn’t one. A baby will rock your world no matter how much you plan. So take the plunge! These are your optimal childbearing years so go for it! I have so many dear friends who waited, and are now having fertility issues. (It breaks my heart that now that they want a child soo badly it just isn’t happening.)I graduated from college, started my career, married my sweetie, bought our first house and then had my first baby. It was good for us. I had my first two children in my late 20’s and my surprise baby ten years later. Good parenting is hard. But so is running a marathon. Don’t be scared just because it’s hard. My children are the joy of my heart.

I am late to post this comment but decided I NEEDED to tell you my experience! I am 33 and have been with my husband since I was 19-we got married at 27 and then had a daughter 1.5 years ago.. considering how long we were together we were the last to get married of our college peers that were together in college and the last to have kids- what I have learned throughout all this is it really only matters what you and your husband feel or decide-it is your life. My husband and I both had fears about having kids, losing our freedom, losing our great relationship, money etc- we had all these fears and really took the time to think them through and get to a point where we were ready. I am SO glad I waited until I was ready- one part of this experience I am truly grateful for is I am 100% in it for her. I’ve gone out enough, travelled enough, met enough people- I am content and happy to stay home with her and enjoy her. There are definitely hard times/adjustment periods with the husband but we are truly stronger for what we have already gone through together even in the last year and I would not change it for the world-I am so glad we took the leap of faith but I am also glad we did it when we were ready and not on anyone else’s timeline.
That being said- the comments to us the years before we were ready were relentless.. why didn’t we have kids? what were we waiting for? is something wrong with us? do we not have the money? is it my husband or me who doesn’t want them?.. we always had these questions and we always had a reply..”not yet, we will let you know when we are ready”-it was tough battling everyone about it!…BUT the telling thing was…as soon as I got pregnant and announced it 3 months in..we were met with shock! was it a mistake? was it planned? are you guys ok? WHAT?!!?!?!!? I was floored! This is when I realized people are strange…truly strange and make no sense! …it is about when you and your husband are ready and that is TRULY all there is to it! If you are ready-take the plunge! the fact that you are weighing it all and still wanting- you are in a great position! Try to take out what is going on around you and truly decide when the right time is for you and your husband..because it will be the 2 of you who are raising your child day in and day out! Good Luck! 🙂

I think kids is a big picture thing, if you want to frame it as changing dirty diapers and paying college tuition, no, that doesn’t sound like fun, but when I think of it as creating a family and enjoying what my parents and in-laws have it sounds a way better.

I thought at first we’d have kids semi-right away (26-27 y.o. 1-2 year of marriage), but now I think a little later might be better for us (30, 4-5 years of marriage). I do worry though about our parents, how old they’ll be when our kids are growing up and wonder if it’s selfish to wait? I also don’t want to be an “old” mom.

Ohh, and I just read the comment before mine! Love it. I also think about our niece (and the baby my BIL & SIL are hoping/planning for in the near future). Neither my husband or I had cousins close in age growing up, but it’s something we want for our kids. I worry if we wait too long it won’t happen.

And the financial stuff…I know we need to grow our emergency fund a little more, but other than that I think it does just work out. Your priorities will shift, it will fall into place and I think it does work out.

Saying that I haven’t slept well since 2006 or that I can’t remember what things were like before I had a constant, constant needing person of my own is NOT negative. This is not making negative comments about my child. This is REAL. And saying so does not mean I cannot also say that my daughter is the single best thing in my life and that I would cut off my left arm if I had to for her.

NOT talking about the realities of just how hard it is to have kids is more damaging then letting mothers vent.

I became a mom at 31 after trying to get pregnant for over a year. I was a month away from turning 35 when we had baby #2. My husband and I were married just short of 5 years when we had our first baby. Our boys are now 16 and 18. Being a parent has been the most beautiful, rewarding, all-consuming experience and I wouldn’t trade it for the world! I love being a mom and sharing parenting with my husband. Every stage of parenting has been amazing; we have always felt blessed to have our boys and have never considered them a burden. Is it all bliss? Heavens no and going through the teen years has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride! But, oh Caitlin, there is NOTHING that compares to being head over heels in love with this new little person that enters your life in the most amazing way! If I could change anything, it would be to have started our family earlier so we could have three or four kids!

definitely didn’t read all the comments so maybe this was already said…but the best advice i have ever heard on this topic was, “will you regret having children or not having children? because there comes a point where you can’t have your own (naturally).” my husband and i don’t have kids but probably will…and i definitely came to that “probably” conclusion by thinking about what i would MISS by not having kids, instead of what i would miss by having kids. just my 2 cents 🙂

Caitlin-
My husband and I grappled with this decision as well. We mourned the loss of the “two of us” during my pregnancy and while I was in labor, discussed how it wasn’t just us anymore. We had been together 7 years and loved the time we had together.

Let me say that our son is the most wonderful, joyous, unbelievable thing my husband and I have ever experienced. But things are different. OUr focus is on Charlie now and not as much on each other. Our love for Charlie is so enormous that sometimes it overpowers the love we have for each other. It is important to continue to make time for you as a couple and that is what we are working on now.

If you have the baby bug, do it! It is such an amazing experience. Just go into it knowing and expecting things to change…because they do. Can’t wait to hear the good news soon! I have been reading your blog since it was a wedding blog when I was planning my wedding 2 years ago! Good luck!

Hey! I am 28yrs old. I Have been married for almost 6 and 1/2 years. I have three children 4yo, 2yo, and 8months. And I love it(enough to have one more). I truly do with everything in me. And so does my husband. I am not one of those parents who sugar coat everything tho. I am real. It is hard being a parent sometimes and easy others. But, I promise you…the good out weighs the bad…BY FAR! And the bad(when I say bad, I mean lack of sleep sometimes, disobedience, etc.)…when it comes to your own children, the kids YOU birthed, doesn’t really seem bad. My husband and I knew we were ready when we both wanted to have a baby at the same time. Usually it was just me and not him. Also, you have to make a decision to ENJOY your kids no matter what! My Mom always said “I had kids to enjoy them and not for them to be a burden on me.” I don’t think some people feel that way. But you can make that decision on your own. Hope this helps! Thought it might since we are close to the same age. 🙂

I’m 25 and my boyfriend just turned 29. We have been together for over 4 years and have lived together 3 years. We have no plans to get married any time soon as we want to build our dream home in less then 2 years and sell out current place. That’s our goal, that’s our life, and we couldn’t be happier. However, I feel like EVERYONE has an opinion on why aren’t we married, when are we getting married, are you sad your not married etc.

My point here is that you shouldn’t let anyone push you in any direction and tell you what’s right. If you feel like you want to have a baby then have a baby! You need to do what’s right for you and your husband.

I think that the big things in life – marriage, home ownership, and kids are the things we are never quite ready for but when they happen we are are so grateful!

Listen to your heart and do what’s right for you

Caitlin-
I’m a long-time reader but this is the first time I have ever posted. I am sure you’ve heard from plenty of people but I am in a situation very similar to yours only a few months later. I felt exactly like you did. I had so many doubts about why it isn’t the right time but this summer my husband & I decided that these doubts weren’t going to go away (or that if they did we’d find new ones) and to take the leap.

I will admit that when that test turned positive I had a moment of “Oh no! What have we done!”, but I am 11 weeks into it and so glad that we made this decision. Are the concerns totally gone? No and I doubt they ever will be. But I love this baby more than I ever thought possible and I know that I can handle whatever life throws at me and that my feelings toward this tiny person will never change.

I know my life will change but now that I am on that path I am so excited about the changes that are coming whereas before that test came up positive I was very worried. I am so excited to see what the next chapter of our life holds. It’s actually very exciting, and that far outweighs any of the concerns I had before getting that positive test!

I think you are the only one that can answer that question. I don’t think you’ll ever be fully prepared, you just have to have them and then adapt. 🙂

See if you can borrow someone’s kids for a week. I love my 7 year old nephew but after he stays with me for two days, I’ve had enough, which tells me I don’t have the patience yet.

Good topic and one that is a little heavy. Sorry I’m so late to put my two cents in on this. A couple things I would like to add: While the change and the challenge may seem nerve-wracking and daunting, that’s the way most changes are. We may feel intimidated and scared whenever we make a big change in any area of our lives because we can’t see into the future and there’s no guarantee of the outcome on the other side. It just takes faith, arming yourself with as much knowledge as you can, and then taking that flying leap. Sometimes you feel ready for that leap, and other times you don’t. Sometimes you have to be pushed into that leap. But in order to get the most out of your life and achieve your dreams, that leap is always required.

I’m a big believer in following my gut; I hardly ever look at statistics. When making a decision, if I feel a strong pull in a certain direction, I follow that feeling. It has never failed me. Follow your heart and your gut; only you know what is right for you at this stage in your life. Nearly six years ago, I made the big decision to move (ironically) to Charlotte. I had hardly any money to my name, hardly any possessions, and was terrified, but I knew I had to go. I was fed up in my hometown and knew that I would never get what I wanted out of my life if I stayed there. I took a huge leap of faith and followed my gut; it was the best decision of my life and I’ve never looked back. My life has only gotten better as a result of that one decision.

You can plan and plan until you are blue in the face, but often those plans just don’t turn out the way you wanted. My husband and I started trying for a baby about 9 months after we got married, in June 2009. We were 28 and 29 years old, and my husband, a Naval officer, was working a desk job at the time and not deploying anywhere. Ideally, that would have been the “perfect” time to have a baby because he was home. Well fastforward to today, 27 months later, and still no baby. We’ve gone through a slew of fertility treatments, moved cross-country twice during that time, my husband is back on sea duty and deploying again, and we’re now 30 and 31 years old. While getting pregnant a couple years ago would have been nice, whenever we finally do get pregnant, it will end up being the perfect time because we will have finally been blessed to have a child.

Good luck with your decision!

Whats up this is kind of of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding expertise so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be enormously appreciated!