She needs to get excited to lose weight somewhere with her peers. If she’s sitting in a Weight Watchers room with women 3 times her age, she’s going to hate it. If she’s able to be with kids her own age and make friends, she’ll be that much more motivated. Maybe they can find a group like that near them; or maybe she can just find a sport that she really enjoys where she’ll be moving a lot. She sounds like she’d need a very compassionate and understanding coach, because to be honest all my high-school coaches were hard asses on my when I wasn’t as fit as some of my teammates.

The mom doesn’t say if her daughter takes a role in leadership in other ways in her high school. Frequently, these leadership conferences are looking for people who are already leaders in clubs and activities to better their skills.

On the other hand, many of these conferences are very political. If parents are big names in the community, the child/student will get chosen for the conference. Not fair, I know, but a way of life.

Mom might want to either walk with her daughter or even suggest they do a run/walk together. I find there are lots of mother/daughter teams at local 5Ks. Both mom and daughter should emphasis finishing, not winning.

Another option is to see if daughter is interested in starting and leading a youth group that walks or is learning to run.

This is me, in high school.

The more my mother passed comment on my weight, the more I felt self conscious and turned to food to “feel better”. I used to act like I did not care, but I was very very sad.

It took me many years, and many pounds to finally get to a point where I decided to do something … but it had to come from me.

I don’t really know what to say to this mom, since the more MY mom wanted to help me, the more it frustrated me.

Maybe she can introduced her daughter to the blog world, show her that she is not alone in that situation, that others went through the same thing and succeed in having a better lifestyle.

She could maybe also help her find an activity that she realli likes. For a teenager, I get that Weight Watchers meeting are BORING, but she could fall in love with group sports, dance, dragon boat perhaps? Anything … you’d be surprise of what can put her into gear!

I’d be happy to communicate through email with this mom. I get 100% where her daughter is right now, and even though I don’t have all the answers, maybe I could share my own experience, and my own 16 years old point of view?

i went through something similar when i was unhappy with my body in middle school. i started walking 3 miles every day after school while listening to music and it really motivated me to be active. i also lost weight by eating healthier. my parents were supportive but didn’t exactly help me out with any of this. ultimately, nobody can do anything for this girl except the girl herself. all the mom can do is provide and encourage healthy options for food, and give her the opportunities and necessities to exercise.

show her how good it feels to go for walks, or take a fun class at the gym. encourage healthy foods for the whole family. this girl isn’t going to be motivated to lose weight until she finds a way to do it that makes her feel good.

I like Kelly’s (#7) advice about getting her daughter in an active after-school routine. If the mom can’t be home every afternoon, maybe they could find an active after-school program. The Y usually has lots of activities for kids.
The mom might also want to start making the daughter’s lunches (perhaps saying they need to save $$) in case the daughter is consuming a lot of calories at school since the mom says she cooks healthy at home.
It will only last if the daughter decides to do it herself, but if she sees some changes to her body with small changes to her life it might motivate her.

Did the daughter have her thyroid checked? If she is hypothyroid, that could make it tough for weight loss and also make her low on energy.

In re- to self esteem, that’s a tough one. In some cases, professional help is needed. In other cases, there can be a trigger and the person says “I’m worth it” and makes the move themselves in a positive direction.

The support of family is key. Having friends that she can open up to and relate to is also important.

I’ve read a lot of people who start a blog as a personal diary and end up with so much positive feedback from others with the same worries, concerns, and self doubt. Bloggers find out they are not that different from the rest of the world. We all suffer the same problems one way or another. Why not have her start a blog? No one knows what might be the trigger that gets her out of the slump.

Still being in high school, I know how hard it is there. No matter what, you easily feel bad about yourself. I’d recommend trying out different sports to see which one she enjoys. I used to hate all kinds of sports but my mother made me try out some different ones and I found the ones I enjoyed. Still, doing sports might be unpleasant to her so I’d really recommend walking. She can go on a walk by herself, with her family or try to get friends to join her and soon walking might seem fun to her.

All the knowledge and opportunity to live a healthy lifestyle (presence of good foods, role models for healthy behaviors) won’t help until the girl (with some help) can figure out why she’s overeating. Most people overeat to avoid/suppress/alleviate unwanted or uncomfortable feelings. By dealing with those feelings instead of eating too much, one can start down the path toward routine healthy choices.

I grew up as an overweight child, overweight teenager, overweight college student and finally became a morbidly obese adult. I tried every diet and every lifestyle change. I worked out. I ate healthy. I was not able to lose weight, no matter what. If I put out extreme effort to follow a healthy eating plan and worked out religously, I would MAYBE lose a half a pound every week or two. It was hell.

I had gastric bypass surgery three years ago, and now I’m health but still overweight by BMI standards. I ran a half marathon this year, got certified to scuba dive and was a finalist in the Pillsbury Bake-Off. I still love to eat and cook, but I balance it with exercise and portion control. Gastric Bypass was the only thing that worked for me. I don’t recommend that anyone should have gastric bypass or make that decision lightly. It’s a very personal decision, and it does have some risks. It was the only thing that worked for me.

My mom did everything in the world possible to help me lose weight and get healthy. Nothing worked. I think the only thing this mom can do is love her daughter. Accept her completely as she is today. Do what she can to build her self esteem. Stacey and Clinton always say “Dress for the body you have today, not the body you want.” Don’t hide foods or label them as bad because your daughter will just eat them outside the house. If your daughter can lose weight, only she can do it. No one can force her. And you probably should take her to an endocronologist who will do much more detailed blood testing. Your daughter may have insulin resistance, which makes losing weight very difficult and leads to type 2 diabetes.

It’s a long hard road, but it can have a happy ending. I wish you and your daughter all the success in the world.

Wow, this is really unfortunate and sad. Definitely a place where things could go wrong. I was not over weight as a teen and had self esteem issues, so having both has got to be hard. The mom should definitely encourage her daughter to go on walks with her. That is a great way to talk and get exercise. Another thing she can do is get her daughter involved in the kitchen. My boys are younger that her, but we cook together all the time. They learn about what is good for you and what is not. It is another way to engage her daughter in healthy living. You can’t just do for them, they have to get involved too. I know this sounds bad, but parents are a key component to self esteem. You can’t control how others treat you. My grandfather was not very careful with what he said to women. He nicknamed my mother “fat cow” and me “fat cow #2”. Like I said, I was not over weight, but I had thighs. I was curvy. This was hard on me and now every woman in my family has issues with their body image. Positive reinforcement in everything along with having the daughter cook and workout with her are great for building confidence.

I think the most important thing the mom can do is take weight loss out of her relationship with her daughter. I’m sure the daughter knows she has a weight issue and no matter how positive the mom is it will seem like a criticism or a reminder of ‘oh yeah I need to lose weight and everyone thinks I’m fat’.

Personally I would say keep offering healthy foods and setting a healthy example and just focus on improving her self-esteem. Tell her why she’s great, tell her the colour she’s wearing looks good on her, find activities that interest her and encourage her to get involved regardless of how active they are.

Lastly get together to do activities as a family. Whether it’s going for a walk after dinner or involving the kids in preparing healthy meals make it about being together not about losing weight.

I struggled with very low self esteem as a teen; my weight was a symptom of this, not a cause.

I’m a fairly independent person. As much as I wished that my family was uber-healthy so I wouldn’t have to take on the responsibility of getting healthy myself (say, “if only my parents had gotten me into running at an early age, if only my parents had no baked goods/chips/cereal/bread, etc. in the house”), I now realize that 1) my family WAS healthy (active, fairly unprocessed diet) and 2) my family being different wouldn’t have necessarily helped me learn how to love and take care of myself–that had to come from within.

I hate to say it, but this may just be something the daughter has to find her own way out of. My teen years were fairly painful, but I am so, so grateful for them because that pain forced me to find a way out, and that journey is responsible for the (kick-ass) woman I am today. And although the daughter might not have a stubborn/independent streak quite as strong as mine, as a teen it was really difficult to listen to my parents encourage me to do anything–that just made me want to do the opposite!

What I might try (and I say this with quite a bit of hesitation, since I don’t know this family) is for the mom to say, “honey, I love you and think you are so incredibly beautiful” and to leave it at that. No encouraging to exercise, letting the daughter control what kinds of food she wants access to (15 is old enough for the daughter to be making all of her food choices, including what kinds of food come into the house–considering whether it fits budget, of course), and leaving absolutely all of the judgment aside. If the mother has any hangups whatsoever about whether or not it is okay for a person to be large or overweight, she needs to get into therapy and work through those so she can 100% accept and love her daughter, without wishing her daughter to be thinner. Weight does not correlate to self-esteem–self-esteem comes from within. It’s the mother’s job to help the daughter build her self-esteem AS SHE IS, with absolutely not one thought to weight.

Give the daughter autonomy. Let her make her own decisions, her own fumbles, and just be there to love her whenever she seeks out that love. Teen years are painful for a lot of people, and although it sucks, I really think we need to go through that pain to get to know ourselves and to grow.

Throughout elementary school, junior high, and high school, I danced up to 5 days per week. I also had horrible eating habits. My mom was concerned, but didn’t want to send me any negative messages, especially since we all know the occurance of anorexia in dancers. I’m glad this mom also realizes that downward spiral.

As you said, I don’t think the emphasis should necessarily be “to lose weight”, since that can get someone into a diet mentality which I still struggle with today.

However, I do think that the mom should encourage the daughter to engage in some physical activity. Try a dance class, join the track and field team (throwing shot put does not require you to weigh 100 lbs), powder puff football, tennis lessons, swim team. Some sort of physical activity and/or team sport should get her up and moving as well as improve her self esteem by being supported by her peers.

This mother could totally be my mom. I can definitely relate because I’m that other daughter. Growing up and even today, my sister has struggled with her weight and I know that when she looks at me, being the opposite, it like I’m rubbing it in her face. I know my sister has some self-esteem issues and I really wish that when we were growing up, that I embraced her more than pushed her away. Being the oldest and well, siblings, I guess our dynamic isn’t uncommon for sisters. However, if I could go back after knowing what I know now, I would want to be there more for my sister so she wouldn’t feel as hurt and alone as she did or does. Perhaps, if the mother asked the other sister to be more involved with her other sister, then her self-esteem may rise from the support. Perhaps if they went for walks together and did other healthy activities, something wonderful could happen, for her health and their relationship. It couldn’t hurt, could it?

She probably won’t lose weight unless she really wants to. There’s not much the mom can do except continue to be the best example.

Being a teenager is so hard! I am a high school teacher and I would say (from my experience) that kids just want to be accepted by their parents and hear that they are doing a good job. So my advice would be to not worry so much about the weight, and focus on the positive qualities that this young lady has. Tell her how proud you are of her academic work. Tell her how beautiful she is. Tell her what a caring person she is. Tell her what you admire about her. Just let her feel all your love no matter what size she is.

And maybe something like a yoga class would be a good introduction for exercise. Yoga does a good job of highlighting the fact that we are all in different places and it is okay to be satisfied with yourself in this exact moment.

Many times it is really hard for teenagers to communicate their feelings. This is so hard for other adults because teenagers look “adult,” when in reality they are still kids who need a lot of guidance, support, and reassurance.

I feel for this mom. When I was having issues as a teenager, my parents interviewed a ton of people and found me a nutritionist who was a young, super sweet girl who I ended up looking up to as a role model. She wasn’t just a nutritionist, though, she was a friend and someone to talk to… and slowly with her direction and friendship I began to feel better. I recommend looking for a nutritionist who you believe your daughter can relate to. Then, she has an outside support system and the advice of a person specializing in that field. Often times, I didn’t even know I was changing my eating habits. It just happened.

I was about 50 pounds overweight through much of high school. I thought that in order to lose weight I would have to live off of very little food and that the only exercise I needed was “Sweatin’ to the Oldies,” which barely worked up a sweat. I would get so hungry, I’d binge. I was also bored and stressed, and when I was home after school alone I’d eat non stop. Trust me, if you want to eat badly enough, you’ll find food to eat… even if there’s nothing good in the house. (This is when I discovered peanut butter tastes amazing straight out of the jar). And there was nothing my parents could do or say that would help me. If they had, it may have made it worse. At that stubborn age, you’ll only do it on your own terms.

When I started doing things after school (namely working), I started to lose weight without trying because I had less time to eat. Are there any activities she can do outside of the house after school that don’t scream “we’re trying to help you lose weight?” Any volunteer opportunities that are on the more active side? There was no way I would have felt comfortable participating in team sports, but I really liked walking at the track and on the trails – with my mom, but mostly by myself.

Nothing boosts self-esteem like setting a goal and achieving it! This mother and daughter could sign up for a 5K walk, set a goal finish time and train together leading up to it. Events like that can be addicting cause they’re so fun which will only lead to more exercise for them both. I also agree that seeing a nutrionist or wellness coach could be very beneficial. That way mom doesn’t have to feel “preachy” all the time.

Volunteering at a local animal shelter, walking dogs, sounds awesome! That might help boost her self esteem, doing something for others. Always makes me feel better! I know all about low self-esteem, but it mainly something only you can fix yourself! This is a difficult issue, because SHE has to be the one who wants to change … maybe if a friend talks to her or helps her … and not her mom?

I know from being a teenager just a few years ago that it is tough. It is even tougher when your mom is preaching at you (which this mom is not – thank goodness!). Any form of constructive critism is looked at as an attack, especially when self esteem is at an all time low. I think this girl needs a good dose of Operation Beautiful! 🙂

I think finding a good group of friends or a hobby to fill up time would definitely boost her self esteem. I would say I am the most happy when surrounded with friends, family, (and food haha!)

There is nothing the mom can do or say to “make” her daughter lose weight. It has to come within!

She should consider joining the Girl Scouts or at least using some of their resources. The Girl Scout mission is to build girls of courage, confidence and character who make the world a better place. She should check out her local Girl Scout Council (visit http://www.girlscouts.org to find it) and she can check out programs they offer like the Uniquely ME! program, co-founded by the Dove Self-Esteem Fun. http://www.girlscouts.org/uniquelyme/

I believe in the power that Girl Scouting can have on a girl if she can find the right group to feel comfortable with. It’s an incredible organization with almost 100 years of experience dealing with girls.

Tell her to check it out!

Suggestions from a teenager who was previously overweight and has gone through an eating disorder: get her in a sport (having other teens to work out with makes it FUN), get her an active job (animal shelters or horse barns are great), give her chores to keep her moving when she’s home (vacuuming, dusting, window washing), encourage her to do simple exercises like situps, pushups, and lunges during TV commercials (do them with her), and most importantly praise any positive change. Praise, praise, praise. I lived on praise while I was losing weight (actually one of the major reasons it escalated into an ED; I wanted to make everyone proud of me since I couldn’t do my sport because of my back injury and I couldn’t excel in school because it was summer vacation.) Keeping her busy is really the best. Working will give her a better attitude and make her feel more accomplished, and if she’s anything like me, she will naturally want to do more things to have that feeling (like losing weight.) However, I would NOT suggest pushing her to get up earlier and work out before school. Hah, even I never went that far! We like to sleep. ;]

I agree that when you have nothing to do after school, eating is the next best thing and that was what most of my peers turned to and (while I work in a restaurant currently) what I see now. You said that she is in the band, Marching Band season is now and it really is a sport if you watch them. They work really hard. Also getting a job so that you are occupied, but not overly stressed is a good way of getting out of the house and staying busy.

But otherwise I would agree that her mom is doing a good job of not putting emphasis on her weight, having an eating disorder myself. I sympathize with her because no matter what you look like, high school is hard. She is a straight A student and that will take her so far. She has so much going for her, but she has to realize that and start taking care of herself.

I would recommend getting her into some kind of therapy for the self esteem. There are a lot of really good programs for teenagers and its really good to deal with it now then let it continue on into adulthood.

I lost 80 pounds in the last year – most of it during the summer before my senior year of high school (I just graduated in May, finally!). It’s hard to lose a lot of weight in high school – people are usually a lot nicer and it seems very superficial. I felt pretty lonely at times – I felt like people only liked me more because I was thinner.

Anyway, one thing that helped me during the last year was having my mom around. She was always ready to offer advice when I needed it, but when I didn’t want any, she was ready to simply sit and listen to me rant and rave about my issues, without offering any criticisms. While obviously diet and exercise are the way to go for weight loss, having someone around to support you really makes all the difference :).

I would suggest maybe joining a team of some sort, like softball? I know most towns have leagues that are open to everyone. Being on any type of team is great support and can really boost self esteem! At the same time she’ll be exercising in a fun way!

I’m struggling with a very similar situation with my sister. She is in her junior year of college, has always struggled with her weight and the self esteem issues that go with it, and since being in college has gone full blown into binge drinking mode. She recently moved in with me and I saw it as an opportunity to try to help her. I know she doesn’t respond to preaching so I have been very careful to help her suddely. I invite her to the gym EVERY time I go (usually 3-5 times a week), I cook a healthy dinner for her every night and pack her lunch most days. I purposefully don’t buy treats but I make banana soft serve for her (her request b/c she loves it). And she had lost 6 pounds within a couple of weeks after moving in. The problem is the second that her friends invite her out she drops the gym and goes. The second it gets late and she doesn’t want to think about packign a lunch she doesn’t and eats fast food. I could go on. I know that the committment and the change has to come from within. I know that the best thing I can do for her is to be the best example I can. But it is so hard to watch someone you love throw their life and the health to the wind. Breaks my heart a little to see her so miserable and doing it to herself the whole time.

High school can really be a cruel place sometimes. Kids don’t have a notion of how their words and actions can hurt others. I’m sure it can’t be easy for her daughter. My suggestion would be to try to get her daughter involved at school. This might seem counterintuitive but perhaps if other kids actually got to know her they would identify her with parts of her personality and not just her weight. SHe doesn’t have to go and do this alone, either. She could join a club that one of her friends is in or even just enlist a friend’s help in joining one that interests her. I think this could help and as she mingled with more people her self esteem might get better.

I think both of those suggestions you gave, Caitlin, are really good. Her mom should instigate walks and make that mother-daughter time. Have that be a special time for just her and her daughter where they talk. They don’t even have to talk about the weight issue or things weighing on her daughter’s mind. I think just getting her daughter talking will eventually lead to her opening up. The physical activity will just be an added bonus. Hopefully the walks could help her identify what exactly keeps her self esteem so low and they can go from there.

Personally – I think a “pamper her day” is in order immediately! Maybe take her to get her hair cut, eye brows waxed, mani/pedi and new well fitting outfit. Does the girl have friends? Even if just one maybe they could tag along too put something positive and uplifting in this young girls world. Also, someone needs to boost her up and repeatedly point out all of the positive traits and attributes she has DAILY! It takes time and repetition, I know from experience.

Maybe suggest a group sport? One at a rec center where it will be new maybe more open minded people than her peers at school? This is def a toughy…

I truly hope this girl finds her way… We all get lost at some point, often we need just one single person or act or conversation to influence us to simply consider the greener side of life.

Oh, you couldn’t pay me to go back to high school. My heart goes out.

I wonder if the two of them could try to take a cooking class together? It might be fun to experiment with some new healthy recipes, to start learning about different food options.

I think it’s also important to remember why, as a mother, she is encouraging her daughter to be healthy and lose weight. She said she doesn’t want her to develop an eating disorder, so I can see her struggling with that already. I don’t think that there is one good answer! Maybe take an operation beautiful approach to their relationship – remind her every day that she is beautiful, no matter what size she is. Help her to embrace who she is as she tries to find a healthy balance in her life.

5’6 and 205 pounds is not “extremely” overweight. I’ve weighed around 200 at 5’2 for most of my adult life, and I have been confident and happy as a plum, not to mention very healthy and active. The truth is, no one feels confident in themselves as a teenager. Body positivity can go a long way right now.

I’m losing weight right now because it is my decision. I am almost 24 years old, I have lived healthily and happily, and plenty of men have still loved me. I have gotten good jobs and recognition due to my skill – not “despite” my weight. The change feels right for me at this moment. I don’t think I could have handled it in a safe way before now.

How does she dress? Does she hide herself under her clothes? I did that. When I started dressing well and taking better care of my appearance, it improved my self-esteem so much! It made others see ME. Make sure she is wearing clothes that fit her well. She shouldn’t be ashamed of her size. If she is eating healthily like you said, and living an active lifestyle (marching band, right?), then there doesn’t seem to be any problems. That’s what she’s supposed to be doing. She should be fine. One day, when it’s her decision, she might try to lose weight.

I think the gift of self-love is more important than finding ways to make her a size 6. If she gives in and starts trying to lose weight, it won’t be for herself. And after 50 pounds are gone, guess what, she will still have low self-esteem. After that, everytime the scale goes up, she will hate herself more and more. Teach her to love herself now. For who she is. At her size. In her skin. If she loses weight, tell her she’s beautiful. If she gains weight, tell her she’s beautiful. She’ll get there when she’s ready.

I am sure you have gotten plenty of great advice and comments but I have to say, I was that overweight teenager.
I agree the mom should encourage her daughter be active. Walks is a great idea or maybe joining the local Y together and attend classes together.
Maybe the mom and daughter can meet with a registered dietician together to go over a plan. Sometimes even though parents “think” they know what their kids already know, sometimes they are clueless on where to start.

I understand she does not want to force her daughter into anything but maybe the daughter does not know where to start.
I was always comparing myself to the skinny cheerleaders and I thought that if I signed up to be a cheerleader, I could be skinny too. That was a fail.
I hope the anonymous mom finds some great advice and that her daughter gets the tool she needs.
and one more thing-I hope the mom does not try to be her friend during this. The mom needs to be a parent for this as her daughter’s health is at risk. I am not trying to tell the mom how to be a parent but during these teenage years, they need guidance not a buddy!
Thanks!

I think in high school when I was overweight, I would have liked to have been more informed. I thought trying to eat 1/2 a granola bar and a smaller glass of oj for breakfast was what was going to help me lose weight. I didn’t know anything about healthy eating or exercising. I also think watching inspiring shows can help like ‘Losing it with Jillian’.

I want to suggest tennis. Maybe mom and daughter playing together, or get the rest of the family involved. I picked up a tennis racket for the first time when i was 15 and got hooked. I’d go with my dad a few evenings a week to the local park and just try to hit the ball. I suggest tennis mainly because if you don’t already play, pretty much everyone starts from the same terrible position. tons of running to chase the ball, lots of laughing because the ball goes everywhere, etc. no one is good at tennis when they start, so you don’t feel bad about yourself. if they start together, just having fun and trying to hit the ball back and forth, that could be really good. kind of a random suggestion, but thought I’d throw it out there because hardly anyone thinks about tennis, but it’s awesome 🙂

Can you afford to send her to summer camp? Maybe a band camp since it seems like that’s the focus on her interests/social group right now? As a teenager, getting outside of your immediate friend circle and feeling accepted by a whole new group of people who don’t go to your high school can really help with self esteem.

Another option is to get involved in youth group activities, which are more weekend trips/community service oriented. Community service makes you feel good and helps you think outside of yourself. It’s great if you and she can do these kinds of things together, of course, but what you really want to help her build is solid relationships with her peers – people who accept her as she is.

I’m not even touching on the whole overweight thing, because, assuming you are being careful about doctors visits, etc. I don’t think that’s really the issue. Accept her as she is, today. You want what’s best for her, and I understand that this is coming from love, but I don’t think it’s going to come across that way. Not to mention her sister doesn’t have a weight problem so that’s going to make her feel even worse about herself. Find something she can shine at and encourage her to shine. Forget her body size.

I was always heavy too, but I lost a ton of weight when my mom gave me a gym membership to a gym she didn’t go to.. It was my escape. I could go, do a class I wanted, play around, go to the pool… whatever. I loved it. Sometimes, giving the push to be empowered and leaving it up to the teen works…
Cheers,
Missa
LosingEthel

My sister was (and still is) overweight in high school, and it was always a tough situation for my parents. Despite being twins, my sister and I look NOTHING alike, and while I’ve always been thin, my sister has not. My sister would never say much about it until it came time to shop for dresses for dances or something of the sort, and I was fitting into size 2’s while she could barely squeeze into size 16’s. My mom tried multiple ways to try and help…we were obviously raised the same way and ate the same foods, but once we had more freedom, she would eat more junk food than I did. I also was a runner through high school while she gravitated towards things like horseback riding. Anytime my mom would try to reach out to my sister, she would get very upset and defensive…no one likes being told that they’re overweight! In college, my sister finally joined Weight Watchers and joined a gym with my mom and lost about 50 pounds…but has since gained it all back, and more.

You can’t MAKE someone change…they have to want to do it. They may hate being overweight and having low self-esteem, but unless they want to change for themselves and actually commit to it, there is very little that others can do for them. My family has always been concerned about my sister’s health due to being overweight, and my sister is a nurse so she knows all the problems with being overweight, but for now she doesn’t want to change on her own.

If anything, I would suggest that the mom help her daughter to find activities that she likes to, or perhaps help her to cook in the kitchen so she can make healthy foods that she likes to eat! Changing things into positive activities can be helpful versus limiting foods or requiring exercise.

I honestly think you can’t force people into healthier behaviors. The BEST thing this mom can do is continue to live a life as a healthy example, offer the healthier foods, etc and MOST importantly continue to encourage her. Not to lose weight, but just in general about her life. Make her feel beautiful and loved and have the rest of the family do the same. Connect with her and care for her so she knows she is valued and can grow to value herself more. When you value yourself that is when you start wanting to take better care of yourself and when the healthier changes can happen.

I wish she could have come to Camp Endeavor this year! For once the kids are on an even playing field with their peers, they learn how good it feels to move and they are able to just have fun! Building a month of good habits makes it easier to return home and continue them.
I would agree with others about the movement, find things that you can do as a family and that are fun and not necessarily “exercise”. I do know that kids appreciate parents who support them but who also don’t “nag” them to eat healthy, exercise, etc.

Finding something that she enjoys and that better yet, they can do together sounds great. Anything would be better than my dad hugging me, pinching my side and saying “I thought you were going to the gym.”

High school really is rough no matter what :-/ I struggled with weight in middle school. My mom took me to weight watchers and I lost about 30lbs there. My biggest help though was just getting involved in sports and having an active family. I would also bike with my family, go swimming at a lake, having a family that is active and encourages the activities I did by just driving me to practices and places to play was a big help too! Weight loss can be a lifelong battle though. She’s definitely not alone. It’s something I struggle with every day. I wish there was a secret to it all, but it can be a lot of hard work.

I would just like to offer some tips to Anon Mom and Daughter.

I have struggled with weight my entire life. Although I am currently on the heavier side, the knowledge I have gained through trying to lose weight “the right way” – healthy, whole foods & exercise rather than “diet foods” and starving yourself – this knowledge has made me a healthier eater, even if sometimes I eat too much or don’t exercise enough! Even though I carry extra weight on my frame, I believe my diet is significantly healthier than many of my peers.

When I was 14, that was the first time my mom mentioned to me that we could take steps together to be a healthier family. I cried, and I was ashamed, but I knew that I had gotten teased for being “the fat kid” all my life, and it was time to make a change. We went to a dietitian together (this may or may not be covered by healthy insurance, I’m not sure what the case was for us) and she suggested either a comprehensive weight loss program with classes and such, or just that I start tracking my food and exercise. I went with the simpler plan, and my mom and I began to meet with her weekly for discussions about food and also weighing in. I was very honest about what I ate, so I learned what portion sizes should be, and sometimes that I was eating TOO LITTLE! It was very helpful overall, and since it was a private meeting with her and my mom, I think I responded to it better than I would have with a public meeting such as Weight Watchers. Since then I’ve regained some weight (college & grad school!) but I think having a foundation in LEARNED healthy eating habits is something I can go back to at any point.

Good luck, and I wish you the best!

I was very overweight in high school, even though I was active in dance team & everything. The only thing I can say is, the mother should never make a comment about the daughter’s weight or dieting. The daughter knows she is overweight. When she’s ready to change it she will. This is what happened to me. A few years into college, I was ready to start feeling good about myself. I wanted to get asked on dates, I wanted to feel pretty. I was tired of feeling insecure about my body. One day it just clicked, I decided to change it and I did. I’ve now kept the weight off for about 8 years. The best thing is I know my parents loved me when I was overweight becasue they never made any comments about it.

I think we need to be careful about assumptions. Too often we think that “If she’s doing XYZ, then she’ll be a “normal” weight.” This is NOT always the case.

Unfortunately, most studies show that exercise is NOT a huge component in weight loss. Diet is much more influential, and I can attest to the fact that diet ALONE is usually enough to affect weight loss. So I’m just not convinced that–if this girl really is eating healthfully with some occasional treats–this is a simple problem. Yes, I was somewhat active in high school, but there’s no way an average teen girl should need an exercise REGIMEN to be a “healthy” weight. I would really avoid suggesting this.

Instead, let’s look at some other things. I would get her hormones tested, as it seems there could be a legitimate health issue here. Someone above mentioned thyroid. Also, think about things like PCOS. Either way, a workup would be the way to go.

Also, let’s be really careful when we assume that EVERYONE is going to fall in the “right” weight range. Everyone is different, and people can be HEALTHY AND “OVERWEIGHT” at the same time!

The key thing will be NOT TO MAKE IT AN ISSUE. She should feel good in her own skin no matter what. That starts when those she loves feel good about her own skin no matter what and show that to her.

I was overweight in high school as well. Unless you have been in her shoes its hard to understand the situation. I also have a very supportive Mom who has never had a weight issue. She supported me endlessly with whatever new eating plan I wanted to try. I will always be grateful for that.

It is best that the Mom not say anything. As pp’s said, the girl knows she is overweight, she does not need to be reminded. She needs to be ready to make the change, when she is she will do it. I think the Mom continuing to set an example for her and preparing healthy foods is the most help she can give. The only suggestion I might make is offering to let the girl join a gym and/or work with a trainer, this might inspire her. Only bring this up after the girl brings up her weight first.

I had a hard time being an overweight teen in the 90’s. I cannot imagine how difficult it is now.

This is really corny and oversimplified, but I think it’s sometimes hard for us to see just how much our comments affects our loved ones. I think working on the daughter’s self esteem is the first step, and could easily be done by the mother reaffirming to her daughter everyday that she is beautiful and worth it and unique (hello, Operation Beautiful!). Also, positive feedback is great. If she goes on a walk with her daughter and is doing a great job, say so. Don’t keep quiet about any success, no matter how small.

I always rode horses (still do) while growing up and in that sport she isn’t going to feel self conscious because she should be able to run or anything like that, it is very low impact, but a work out as well. She would feel like it was hard because it is foreign, and she will see other people half her size that are having the same problems as she is when riding. You would have to be careful picking the place to go though. If it is a competitive barn and not just a fun barn then you would probably exacerbate the problem.

Saw this article on CNN today and thought it might be helpful: Expert Q&A: Should I put my 11-year-old on a diet?http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/expert.q.a/07/23/child.diet.jampolis/index.html?hpt=Sbin

I was overweight as a teenager before I really got into sports in hs that forced me to Run A LOT! Every parent should just remain supportive and encouraging and tell their kid how beautiful they are. My mom was such a huge supporter of mine. When I finally realized that I wanted to make a change in how much I was eating and my exercise habits, my parents were right there to support me. But they never said “hey, you should go workout.” However, maybe connecting with her daughter by going on walks like you say or doing a fun excursion like taking a picnic lunch/dinner on a hike would be a great activity.

THe important thing to remember is that most teenagers struggle with self esteem issues at some point. Just be there to support and encourage and tell them what they are good at. ANd maybe even help encourage those strengths by sending them to a specific camp in the summer or an after school activity. Best of luck!!!

Man alive do I know what that is like! I was a chubby teenager and struggled with it much like it sounds this girl does. There are two moments that absolutely KILLED me. First my Dad told me that my arm looked like a thigh in my Prom photo (OUCH Dad!), then a coach of mine told an entire group of parents and students that I struggled with how slow I was! It was not a pleasant experience. I can also relate because I was a HUGE band nerd in high school!

The advice that I would give is, absolutely do NOT criticize her weight. It sounds like a lot of really great avenues (the pre-diabetic class, weight watchers) have already been followed, but keep pressing the healthy lifestyle. It’s not about dieting and losing the weight, it’s about getting healthy. Encourage her to find an activity that works for her! Kick boxing, yoga, Jazzercize, something fun that will make her want to go back. Having a role model too helps tremendously. I know that anytime I see Ironmen (and women) on TV, or other amazing athletes I can’t help but strap on my running shoes and take off. Great role models, non-judgemental environment, exploring many different activities, all helped in my situation at least!

My kids are not teenagers yet but I sympathize with this mom. It is so difficult to see your child hurt and not know what to do for them, and many times it is what they can do for themselves.
I have been watching the Jillian Michael’s show the past couple months where she moves into peoples’ houses for the week to help them confront their weight issues. It ends up these weight issues stem from other issues, whether it’s some sort of loss or feeling of disappointing others.
I’m sure many people have suggested counseling, etc., and clearly this has to be part of the picture. I also agree with the physical activity being a big part. The physical response of our bodies when we are active makes us feel better. Perhaps this teenager can get involved in an activity that isn’t necessarily a “team sport” so there is no pressure from others on her performance. (Running, Karate, swimming, biking, etc.).
Best of luck to this mother and her daughter.

I was that exact girl when I was in highschool. 15yrs old over 200lbs on a 5’5 frame. I was in every varsity sport my school offered, I was in JROTC and did mandatory PT every day. I was not diabetic. I went to my doctors every year and he told me I was healthy all around, great blood pressure, great cholesterol, great sugar levels…I was just overweight.

I also had a job, so I didn’t have a minute to sit on the couch and eat chips. I did volunteer work, i had a million friends. I was busy from 4:30am to 9pm. I went to see a nutritionist, and I didn’t lose anything. I ate salads with my mom, i ate PBJ for lunch, oatmeals and bananas for breakfast.

It’s part genetic, both sides of my family are big. Doctors couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t losing anything. It was just a mystery (actually still is). TILL, the summer before freshman year of college. With my job money, I saved up enough to go to Italy all by myself! (well, with a friend and her family). And I lost over 45lbs in 2 months! Just a change of scenery, a lifestyle change (stress free) different habits, and just get away from my surroundings. I came back and my parents didn’t even recognize me! I lived with another family and watched their eating habits, and how it was different than mine. It was amazing. It could also have been my hormones (puberty) that made me stay the same weight. ‘Baby fat’ as they say. Because as I got older, things are just slimmer.

My advice: If at all possible, can she go to a different environment for the summer? Not neccessarily a weight loss camp, but visit an aunt or uncle? A change of scenery did wonders and I was more confident for my first year of college. Its been 10yrs since that trip.. and I’ve put weight back on due to unhealthy habits…and its VERY hard to lose this time (I blog about it). I’ve since changed my lifestyle in the last year and a half and I’m happy to report lots of great things have changed!

Good luck, and the daughter or Mom is more than welcome to contact me!

Hi Caitlin,
I have been reading your blog for months now and I think this is the first comment I’ve ever left but it struck a chord with me so here ya go…
When I was in highschool I weighed 226 lbs at 5’6″. I was obese. I would walk the halls and have to shut myself off from my environment so that the hurtful remarks didn’t sting. I was living life completely numb. Don’t get me wrong, I was a funny girl. Very outgoing and loud. I believed the old “make them laugh with you, before they laugh at you” scenario would work, and it did. I was class president, top of my drama class and active in all other areas of my life. But I was sad. I was extremely self conscious and barely wanted to leave the house sometimes. And my lifelong dream of being an actress seemed rediculously impossible. After high school I was elated to be accepted into a prestigious theater school. I was in my element, getting the good roles, being the envy of other classmates and for the first time I could see my dreams becoming a reality. After the first year a teacher brought me into her office and was very straight with me and said “You are a very talented girl, but the industry is what it is. If you don’t lose weight you wont work.” And something just clicked in me. The idea of my dream being ripped away from me, the notion that it was all within my power- well that’s all it took for me to change my ways. The summer I turned 19 I signed up with a good women’s gym, where people were watching out for me. I started watching my fat intake and snacking habits. I had a goal. And by the end of the summer I was 30 pounds thinner. That was 10 years ago and since then I have lost and additional 40 pounds and kept it all off. I run regularly and participate in races for the challenge, I take yoga classes, I periodically get tune ups with personal trainers. I married a beautiful man you is passionate about local food which brought my consciousness back to my diet and the environment. All of these changes make me feel warm and fuzzy about what I am doing for my soul, my body and my world. But what most important is that I feel empowered! I took control of my dream and now I am a successful, in demand working actor.
My advice would be, if you really want to see changes in a loved one, appeal to their passions and dreams. Encourage them to find joy in something while showing them the power they have to make their dreams come true. Distract them from the sadness they feel about their bodies. They may just be blocking you out for protection. Open up their eyes again.
I still struggle with my weight on a daily basis, but I do the struggle with pride, gusto and knowledge.
Be patient and loving. Nothing feeds a person better then empowerment.
xoxo
Briana

I’m somewhat torn in my response. I want to tell the Mom that she’s great for being supportive. But I can also say that attention to my weight (and I got a LOT of mixed messages starting from age 4 or so!) from my family while I was growing up really contributed to my disordered eating. Ultimately it took independence – college – to both crash and then slowly heal.
On the other hand, it would have helped me stay involved with physical activity if it had fit into my family’s lifestyle.
So….. my advice is to be supportive without being explicit about the weight. Get the whole family involved in something FUN and active, again without being explicit about it. A dog is a great idea, but so are activities like hiking, rafting, yoga, etc…. and you could also suggest those as activities for she and her friends to do together, if she wants more independence at times.
Also – please, please don’t make it about “weight.” If you HAVE to talk about it, make it about “health”. She’s being bombarded by media messages every day and weight is such an overblown factor with impossible ideals.

Such a challenging situation, where it probably feels like whatever one says or does risk ending up totally wrong.

Weight is an touchy issue, and our relationship with food is often attached to so much more than just nutritional needs. It is about the love we have for ourselves, or lack of it. How we value and respect our body. And also the emotions and thoughts that fill our soul. Through food we can deal with so many emotions, both good and bad. We can cover up insecurity and low self-esteem by either restricting or eating more than we need.

All I would advice this mother to do is to be there for her daughter. Talk to her about how she feels about her health and the person she is. Help her to see and believe the beauty in herself, and the incredible talents she carry with her. Encourage her to make healthier options.
Try to focus on HEALTH, not the numbers on the scale because they have nothing to do with her worth. But what she is worthy of is good health.
And, please, never make her believe that thin equals happiness.

All of my support,
Hedda.

I think the mom is right to not be too preachy abuot her daughter’s weight, but I see a problem with regularly using eating out as a celebration. That forms counterproductive associations with food, as a reward-punishment system (and when I wasn’t at my optimal weight, I was always very self-conscious of how much I ate in public and compared what I ate to my fellow diners). I’ve always had my best relationship to food when I take a utilitarian approach and consider it only as fuel for my body. I think the mom ought to encourage other activities that her daughter enjoys, like maybe going to a theater or getting her nails done, whatever the daughter likes to do as a special treat instead.

I also think that emphasizing that she has control over her body is important. The teen years are ones obsessed with labels, and girls especially think of their physical appearance as something permanently and inextricably linked to their personal identities. The daughter here might have characterized herself as a “fat girl” and views that as an immutable descriptor. I was much more encouraged and determined to change my health habits when I reminded myself that I can change. I think setting a lot of small goals would be good too; not “I want to lose X pounds” but “I want to walk two miles today” and then bumping that up to “I want to walk three miles” and so on. Encourage every healthy thing she does and recognize that each one is sufficient because she’s moving in the right direction.

A lot of people have suggested that her mom just leave her alone until she’s ready to figure it out by herself, but I tend to disagree with this for multiple reasons.

1) Being severely overweight is a serious health risk, especially at a young age, and I doubt if her daughter was smoking cigarettes or binge drinking (which could also mask emotional problems, just lke obesity does) that commenters would suggest accepting her daughter “as she is”.

2) You can’t “turn” someone anorexic or bulimic, and just because her mom gave her the straight facts and sort of monitored her closely doesnt mean that she would develop an eating disorder. BUT, then a lot of these commentors also said that the food is representing an emotional issue…so doesn’t that mean the girl already has disordered habits, and they are not “caused” by the mom bringing it up?

3) I totally understand that it’s hard to lose weight if you are not personally ready, but I truly believe the sooner the better. There is already an issue there, and even though the girl might resent her mom for a year or two, her mom should think about the rest of her daughters life, and how the sooner she gets healthy, the better. Why let obvious problems continue?

4) The people who say that you shouldn’t talk to her about her weight because you don’t to confuse weight with worth are the very people who cannot separate these ideas! I think it’s taboo to discuss in the blog world, but you CAN have a frank and straightforward discussion about weight without dealing with emotions. You CAN step on a scale and just deal with facts. Not talking about weight, not using the scale, not looking at the objective facts – this isn’t separating weight from worth, it’s encouraging it. It’s saying “let’s not look at the scale because it will necessarily affect how we feel about ourselves”. This isn’t true! You can accept someone how they are, and still tell them they need to lose weight.

I definitely believe you have to have self-esteem to want to change yourself (including losign weight), but at such a sensitive time in her life, losing weight will, like it or not, most likely increase her self-esteem.

I agree with a lot of these comments. I graduated from high school 2 years ago, and my sister is 15, so I’m a lot closer to your daughter’s age. The most important thing I found was having a supportive group of friends. People who will accept her and support her without comments about each others’ weight will help her become happier. I think that if she can become confident at this weight, it will be easier to lose the weight. If she has a low self esteem and loses weight, it may not solve the issues and she may end up gaining weight back.
I was also forced in a way to get some sort of exercise by my parents. They didn’t drive me unless I absolutely needed it, so I rode my bike to school. They also rode their bikes to work and for errands. Even though I was active and did multiple sports for most of my time in high school, I was always guaranteed to get 30 minutes of cycling in. Taking walks together or going for bike rides together are other things my family does.

This was me. I weighed in at 220 my first year of high school. This young lady will one day decide that she wants to lose weight, and then she’ll lose it. She’s got a caring and supportive mother willing to help her, and I’m sure she knows what she needs to do. She has to make the decision for herself to lose weight. The best things mom can do are to not push her to lose weight and to be there to support her when she’s ready.

As someone who was overweight all my life, especially in my teen years, I have so much respect for this mother for trying to help her daughter. It sounds like she is doing everything right – encouraging healthy eating and activity. I know many girls/women who have terrible relationships with their mothers who were constantly reminding them that their were overweight.
The only advice I can offer to her as someone who has been there is that she KNOWS she is overweight. She lives with it every day, and she is going to have to be the one to decide to do something about it. She is going to have to reach a point where she decides to make a change in her life. It isn’t something anyone else can do for her. All this mom can do is continue to love and support her in making healthy choices.

How about Weight Watchers online? I couldn’t get DH to go to meetings but he loves WW online.

My parents made comments about my weight when I was in HS, specifically because my dad’s side of the family was always overweight and had all of the health issues to boot. It definitely killed my self-esteem (still kind of does – I have really bad body issues), especially since my sister was always the super-skinny one and she never was the recipient of the comments. My parents finally stopped harping on food/weight, and I started finding more and more things in common with my mom – we knit, we walk together, we cook together, we try new vege/vegan based recipes at times – and I find that was probably my tipping point initially. Now that I’m married (and had gained 40 lbs over 4 years), I’m getting back into that healthy lifestyle.

Maybe what AMom needs to do is find some things in common so they can go from there. It really only takes one small step to rebuild the self-confidence that leads back to a healthy lifestyle (not just healthy eating or exercising).