i regret handling conflict so poorly in the past and not addressing the heart issues behind my disordered eating earlier. i feel like if i had done those things i wouldn’t have to go back and apologize to other people and myself for hurting them/me!

I try, REALLY hard, not to “do” regret. Every situation, good or bad, has something you can learn from it and take to improve your life in the future. I try to treat “regretful” situations as a step towards a better me.

I can totally relate to the reader who wrote that to you. I struggle with regret a lot in thinking about how I used to treat my body, and despite a lot of warning signs (my father has heart disease, high blood pressure, sleep apneia, diabetes type II, high cholesterol… you name it) I just ignored them and proceeded to eat myself into an obese persons body. Now that I have turned my life around, I don’t understand how I could let myself go for SO long. That said, I try really hard to move forward and just be happy that I changed my life when I did and let it go on for longer. I have damaged my body though for being obese for so long, and I regret that I did that to myself. I don’t really know if there’s an answer for your reader other than trying to learn from your past experiences and use them to make better decisions in the now.

Regret is a part of life and w/o it how would we learn those valuable lessons…? Great post Caitlin.

I regret hurting my body for so many years, however, I know that everything that happened made me who I am today, so in that way, I have 0 regrets… as long as my body has forgiven me.

A very timely post for me – I was just thinking about a lot of this stuff yesterday! I hate when people say their motto is “no regrets” or something, because I think regret can be healthy and a sign that we’re learning from our pasts, as long as we don’t get too ruled by it in the present. It’s okay to regret mistakes you’ve made, or wish you could’ve done something different!

I don’t believe I have any regrets mainly because I chose to always move forward. Regrets, to me, mean living in the past. And we can never go back, so I don’t find it helpful to focus on any of it. Onward and upward!

Great insightful question, Caitlin!

One of my favorite song lyrics is by The Hush Sound that says “My heart beats way to fast to let regret sit in my lap”.

I think it’s so easy to have regret. I mean, we’re not perfect so we’re bound to make mistakes–some of them HUGE!

I don’t think regret is wrong, but it is wrong to dwell on it. When I find myself getting to that point, I try to put it in perspective. The most important thing is “what did I learn from this situation?” I think circumstances are brought into our life to teach us and help us grow. If we screw up, we can’t go back and change it, but we can “change” the future.

Look at what lessons you’ve learned in the moments you now regret–like maybe appreciating your family and wanting to spend more time with them–and take future opportunities to apply those lessons. Like Caitlin suggested having a vow renewal ceremony.

I don’t know if that helps, but I hope it does!!

I think regret can be useful only if we use it to make positive changes or work to turn something we regret into a positive situation. Long-term regret usually means I haven’t forgiven myself for something and that’s never good. I do have things I have regretted but I try always to learn something and work hard to turn a negative into a positive.

I am good at letting go of things from the past – no use beating myself up over something I should or should not have done. Wishing I could have asked my stepfather so many questions will not bring him back, but I can try to learn from what he gave me. This is always how I’ve tried to live.

I used to regret not figuring out how to live healthfully sooner. Like in college I felt like I somewhat wasted those years when it would’ve been way more fun to be a smokin-hot-fabulous college girl.

Looking back at it though (besides the fact that I see myself as beautiful) I realize I wouldn’t have had the same circle of friends if my un-healthy habits had changed. Silly to say it, but it’s true. I wouldn’t have met or clicked with my now husband.

When I think about it like that, all my regret melts away. Things happen the way that they do for a reason. This view goes back to your earlier discussion about karma and fate probably.

I have a lot of regrets but I leave them in the past. There is absolutely nothing I can do about them. They are not able to be corrected. Once I came to terms with that, I focused on appreciating my present and making my future better. For example, I do regret being overweight for most of my young life but there is not one single thing I can do to get that time back. Now, I focus on getting healthy now and how great my future will be.

I really regret that I married my first husband. Actually, I regret the fact that I ever met or gave him the time of day. He ended up being a completely different person than the person I thought I married, and betrayed me horrible (which is obviously why I ended the marriage). Those are 7 years of my life that I will never get back. Some people find comfort in the fact that if the thing they regret had never happened to them, they wouldn’t be the same person they were today, and I believe that is true (and I’ll elaborate on it in a second), but if I could go back in time and change things so that I never knew he existed, I would in a heart beat. No one deserves to go through the pain I went through over that stupid man.
BUT I am proud of myself every day for ending that relationship. I am proud of the way that I took care of myself in the months after that relationship. Even though I was absolutely destroyed I picked myself up and went through the hard work of laying the foundation for the wonderful life that I have today. It took every ounce of strength that I had- but as I result I know I am incredibly strong- which gives me confidence. I can honestly say that I used my divorce as a spring board and now, almost 4 years later, I have a Master’s degree, a job I love, great friends, and a wonderful fiance!
I have done so many things since then that I never thought I’d be able to do- I’ve become very fit, I’ve run a half marathon, I’ve done a ton of traveling, I’ve written (an unpublished) novel… back then I could have only dreamed of having the life I have now.
And most importantly, I didn’t let my regret sour my belief in love and marriage, I didn’t let it ruin my faith in the goodness of people, and I didn’t let it convince me that my life would be an unhappy one.
I will always live with my regret, but I take comfort in the fact that my life, as a whole, is well lived.

You just encouraged me to write to my “ex” friend from university over a similar falling out – THANK YOU. You made today “the day” to get over the fear and just face my regret head on.

I am a big goal writer. I need to know what I am working towards. I do have regrets. The first being that I didn’t bargain for a better job when I took this one a couple months ago. I didn’t realize how much I would lose to taxes and how much health insurance would cost. But I didn’t know. So I have decided that once my first three months are up at this job I will inquire about my salary. I have also reevaluated our budget and decided to make cuts where I can. I refuse to go to take on credit card debt. It’s an interesting challenge actually.

I tend to use regret to show me where I can make improvements and I let regret go once I know I have found a way to never make that mistake again or correct the issue. In this case I have both a short term and a long term goal. I think it will work.

I love this post, as it made me sit down and really think. What do I feel about my past, what decisions have I made? And do I regret them?
This made me realize that it is not so much what I have done that I regret, it is what I have not done.
I regret not spending more time with my Grandmother and Grandfather before they past away. I regret not opening up to the guy who always tried to be there for me, and giving his all to show me that he could be trusted. I regret not being able to see that I was beautiful, and capable of so many things sooner.
But what can one do with the decisions/things we regret?
The best advice I have is to look at it and see what we can learn from these experiences. Turn them into something positive ; wisdom that you can apply in your future. You can not do anything about what you have done, and to go around feeling down about it will do nothing good. It is done, and dependent on your attitude it can affect your life in a positive or negative way. Learn from your past, take advantage of your past experiences and live life to the fullest.

That was an awesome post! And such great points. I have really tried to live my life and make decisions based on regret, in that I really weigh something and think about which choice I’m likely to regret making/not making later. I’ve done PLENTY of things that I’m not overly proud of now, or that I still feel a little twinge when I think about, but I choose not to regret them. As lots of people have already said, my choices in the past have made me who I am today. I try (emphasis on TRY) to learn from mistakes and good choices and help them guide my choices when I make other decisions. I will say, though… With all of the time I’ve spent contemplating the “right” choice, I’ve probably missed out on other things. And sometimes, a person just has to go with their gut. But one of my life mottos is “NO REGRETS!” (and everybody Wang Chung tonight) 🙂

I think we all have regret…it is not human not to. But it is how you deal with it that shapes how you let it affect you. Some people let it eat them alive and other people make peace with it and move forward. Some regrets you can change and some you just have to accept. Dwelling on a regret that you can not change serves no purpose.

Awesome email from the reader!
There are a few things I regret in life. In fact, I think people are kidding themselves when they say they’ve never regretted anything ever in their entire lives (please, you’ve done SOMETHING you wish you’d done differently.) However, the way we deal with regret is what’s important. I regret being so horrible to my parents in high school, however, I’m absolving that regret by being great to them now.

This is an absolutely amazing post. I love your advice of identifying, letting go and moving forward. I have an ongoing regret that I don’t really feel comfortable posting, but am going to try to live by your advice from now on!

I think that regret can be useful. I know a lot of people say that they don’t have regrets, and I will never understand that. Sure you can learn from regrets, but you can still have them, right? Especially if you do the same dumb thing again…

I went through an extended lone wolf phase where I would connect with people, then convince myself I didn’t need them and flee..the state, the country…I sincerely regret not taking into consideration their needs and feelings, and also losing out on what could have been meaningful, life-long relationships.
In general, though, I’ve been a risk-taker, a little wild and arguably hazardous in my decision making process. The result? I don’t regret having not done things, and most of my more painful decisions have ultimately led to beautiful experiences and people. I’m madly in love with my partner, and had I not “screwed up” an action, I never would have wandered into his path.
Happy weekending!

God, there’s so much I regret.

I regret agreeing to transfer schools in the first place, without consulting my actual feelings. I regret pushing my old friends away, thinking I wouldn’t need them in the future. I regret not making any new friends when it was prime time to do so. I regret withdrawing from the world to focus on my disorder. I regret thinking that being mature and independent meant that I could rely on myself and only myself. I regret throwing that first breakfast into the bin, which lead to all the others following it. I regret lying to my mom. I regret having no friends.

Most of all, I regret forgetting about myself. I wish I could have seen that I had my life before my feet, and that I was wasting it away trying to be thin. I regret not-living, so much.

Thanks for this post. It really made me think.

Wei-Wei

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