I would date a smoker but wouldn’t get serious unless he quit. I think that’s fair- if i were still suffering from ED I would hope that a guy would wait until I was healthy to get married.

I realize this depends on $$$, but there are a million resources out there. Of course it’s hard, but he chose to start smoking, and he does on some level choose to continue.

I couldn’t ever get serious with a smoker – I choose not to live that way. I think she’s completely justified.

Having been a smoker (quit almost a decade ago) I would say the ultimatum route is NOT the way to go. It never is. Most people will do the opposite of what they are forced into.

It’s not a matter of what is more important to him, it’s a matter of dealing with an addiction, health issues etc. I would urge her to be understanding and supportive, doesn’t mean she can’t explain how much it upsets her and her dislike of it.

Tips for quitting: I joined a gym. Couldn’t afford to do both. I stopped going to pubs for a while or anywhere else that went hand in hand with smoking.

I think the important thing here is that her boyfriend will quit when he is ready to quit for himself – not for her or any other reason. It could be soon, it could be years, or it could be never. Quitting smoking takes a lot of willpower and desire, and it’s not something you can do unless you’re fully committed to it.

This is not to say that he doesn’t love or care about her. However, I think she needs to realize that she can’t force this change in him. She either needs to accept it as part of who he is and drop it, or move on if she really cannot date a smoker. It’s not an easy decision, but it’s the best one to make for their relationship and for both of them.

I’ve never been in this situation, but I want to commend the reader for thinking this through BEFORE making a commitment. It’s good to think with your head, not just your heart.

Never go into a commitment thinking you will be able to change a person. I think you have to consider if you want your future children to be around a smoker. If I were in her shoes, I would look at this man just the way he is, smoker and all and consider it the whole package. I don’t think an ultimatum is bad, unless she doesn’t follow through with it. If she really doesn’t want the man in her life to smoke, she has to follow through.

What a great topic. And I actually happen to be in the same boat. I started dating a guy, I knew he was smoking but he lied to me and quit, a couple of months into the relationship I found out he hadn’t actually quit and was really smoking over 6 cigarettes a day. I was devastated, but smoking did not make him a bad person it is an addiction and a hard one at that. I detest people that smoke, my grandma died from lung cancer, from smoking and it upsets me but what I realized is that it didn’t change who he was. So instead of fighting him on it we had a long talk. He told me that he wanted to quit but it was an addiction and that it is really hard to stop. So by yelling at him, it only made him more stressed and that resulting in smoking.

Finally I supported him in QUITTING. And it has been a slow process but he is now down to 3 cigarettes a day, which is a huge change from the 12 he use to smoke a day and he is really doing well. And like Marissa said a smoker has to want to quit for themselves otherwise it will NEVER work. But supporting them in quitting is the best thing you can do for them. I do not think you should support the smoking but supporting the quitting and understanding how hard it is, is the first step to helping them. If he is not willing to quit then you have to ask yourself if you still want to be in a relationship with someone who smokes. But do a lot of research, help them, don’t scrutinize them. It will only make it worse and you do not want them hiding it from you. If they can feel like they can talk to you about it. It will be much better in the end.

You can’t change anyone. It’s not possible. The other person has to have the will to WANT to change. I don’t think the girl is a horrible person by any means, but I do think it’s wrong to give someone ultimatums like that. I understand her telling him she doesn’t want him smoking around her, the house, etc. but you can’t make someone change if they don’t want to.

I am not a smoker but for some reason I have always dated smokers even though I think it’s disgusting. My current boyfriend of 4 years smokes and I watch him struggle with it. He KNOWS it’s bad for him…smokers know! He is just sooo addicted. I’ve tried being nice about it, I’ve tried being mean about it, I’ve tried sending him pictures of smoker’s lungs everyday, but he still smokes.

His friends unintentionally make the whole situation worse. He’s a big time fisherman and allll the guys smoke…so that escalates how difficult it is for him to quit.

Sigh…I don’t know the purpose of my rambling other than the fact that I’m in a similar situation.

Wow, how tough.

Sounds like the reader’s boyfriend really WANTS to quit, which is a huge first step. The average smoker makes 9 to 11 quitting attempts before quitting for good.

Smoking addiction is two fold. Kicking the habit is so challenging because you’re dealing with an addiction to nicotine AND an addiction to a behavior. People who successfully quit often combine nicotine replacement therapy with behavior change techniques. She should encourage her boyfriend to talk to his doctor about medicine to help him quit and support groups. The American Lung Association and smokefree.gov both offer great tips for dealing with the behavioral aspects of smoking.

I think she can help him as much as she can but if he needs to make the decision to quit and he has to follow through on it.

I think the most important factor is that they have to want to quit for themselves. It’s not the same as smoking, but my husband used to dip tobacco. He was clear that I thought it was disgusting and I didn’t want him to get cancer. Finally one day I had a breakdown and screamed and cried and told him he had to quit. He did. Then months later I found out he started again. Later, he realized he wanted to quit for himself, which was a much, much better approach. And remember, just because they can’t quit, doesn’t mean they don’t love!! It’s SO hard to do, and even harder to understand if you haven’t been there yourself (which I hadn’t). Hang in there!!

i agree with whitney (#20). ultimatums dont work for anyone. being the smoker that he is and having smoked for so long, expecting him to drop it cold turkey is like asking him to turn water into wine. not possible. as you already mentioned its an addiction. you dont cure addicts by throwing them into the fire and then givin them an ultimatum. it might work for some people like the show intervention but reality is, you have to do it together.

my fiance is a smoker and slowly we’re working to rid him of his addiction. before he smokes (if im in the room) i always ask him, Do you really really need it? Can you put if off for maybe 5 or 10 minutes and see how you feel then?

If you want him to quit, work together as a team and dont make him feel like he has to choose. Help him get over his addiction. he needs a support system.

Oh and I meant to add- I think it took my dad over 10 attempts before he quit for good. I admire anyone who can quit. I think it is important for loved ones to be patient, but to also look out for their own health.

Just like with everything else, he’s not going to quit until HE wants to quit. You can threaten, cry, talk to him until you are blue in the face – but if he’s not doing it for HIMSELF it won’t stick. I think ultimately you need to decide if that’s something you can live the rest of your life with. If you can’t, you’ve got to get out of it now! But don’t leave thinking he’ll quit and you will get back together. Leave knowing that this decision means you may never be with him again!!

I used to be a social/car smoker and my boyfriend was a very heavy smoker when we met. He been smoking almost 10 years! He wanted to quit very badly, but never felt like could. I decided to give up smoking for my own health and he followed suit a few months later after he saw me quit. He went on smoking cessitation drugs and they really worked for him! Ultimately though it was his dedication to not wanting to smoke that made him quit. I know he still has cravings to smoke and fights the addiction every day, but I don’t put any pressure on him at all. He quit in Jan 09 and has only had one cigarette since then (and we got in a huge fight! haha whoops)

He is my motivation for never smoking again though! There are definitely some days and times that I want to smoke (which I hate that I still sometimes crave them) but I don’t because I never want to betray him or risk him smoking again because I did! Good luck!

I can really relate. My mom smokes, my great aunt and my grandfather all smoke. And I lost my grandmother to lung cancer. Smoking is not good for your boyfriend, for you, or for your future children. But you know that already. I also dated someone who smoked. This was the first person that I really cared about after getting out of a bad relationship and the first person that I actually wanted to commit myself to. At first, I told myself that I could deal with the smoking – no big deal. But then I realized that I wasn’t being true to myself. So basically, I told him how I felt about it and that I just couldn’t be with anyone who smoked because it was totally contrary to everything that I believe in. But I did not ask him to give smoking up for ME. I just explained what I beleived about it and why. He then said that it wasn’t something he could give up and he was sorry, etc. And we parted ways peacefully, with respect to each other. And then the next day he called me to say that he would give up smoking, he didn’t want to lose me. But that he was doing it for himself, not FOR me. And I think that is the key. Your boyfriend has to WANT to quit for himself. you are not selfish for not wanting to be with someone who smokes but you also can’t force/blackmail someone into making such a big decision. Best of luck to you!

(I apologize in advance for the long message)

Background: In my family there is a long history of lung cancer (due to smoking) so smoking was always a deal breaker for me. As it turs out, it’s part of my job to work with lung cancer pateints every day (both smokers/former smokers/and non-smokers) which has only increased my aversion to cigarettes.

A college boyfriend of mine had been a smoker for a few years but had “stopped” just before we started dating. As we grew closer, he came to know why I was so against it and was “glad he had stopped.” About 6 months into our relationship, I found a pack of cigarettes in his car. I asked him if they were his and he said he was holding onto them for a friend who was trying to quit. I thought, okay, this is great! (How naive of me) Anyway fast forward two years. We ended up breaking up (for other reasons) and come to find out..oh wait, now he’s smoking again. I brought it up with a mutual friend of ours and supposedly he had been smoking throughout our entire relationship. He just kept it veryyyy hidden. Obviously, this angered me because not only was he putting himself at risk but he had also put me at risk (without my knowledge). I never did confront him about it because it was no longer my place. I just hope he makes the right decision in the future.

Anyyyway, the moral for my looong drawn out stroy is that despite having all the negative facts about cigarettes, the decision is still in the smoker’s hands. They will only quit when they are ready. You must decide if you can handle that and hope for the best or you can’t. There is no right or wrong decision but in the end you have to do what is right for you.

As a former smoker, a lot of what these ladies are saying is so true. If you’ve never smoked – regularly – you’ll never understand how hard it is to quit. I would suggest your reader picks up a copy of Allen Carrs’ Easy way to quit smoking. It’s an incredibly informative and useful book. She might want to pick one up for her boyfriend too. But the biggest lesson is that you can’t make a smoker quit, they have to be ‘done’ with it. That time will come, she should support him and try to understand that he’s not doing it to spite her, it’s does take a hold of you in a way a non-smoker really can never understand. Most of all, just support him and good luck!

i loved your last post but just got around to reading it. i know you are on to a new subject but i wanted to comment on the last one. i truely believe we are “what we eat.” i too watch what i consume because it has dire effects on me. i am seeing a holistic-antiaging doctor who i pay out of pocket for because i have had no luck with traditional docs and some of my problems. so far i have had much success. i hope you are ok. you are surrounded by such knowledgable people-i have always been jeolous-hubs and fil. you will be fine!

I started smoking when I was 13 and quit for the first time when I turned 23. It only lasted about 6 months though and I started to smoke again, then quit again, then smoke again, then quit again, etc. for almost 3 years. It’s been 2 years now that I’ve been cigarette-free and I still have urges (mostly when I’m drinking) but not as frequent. Throughout all of my quitting/not quitting I’ve had the same loving non-smoker boyfriend and he’s always been very supportive when I quit and always let me know that he was very disappointed when I started again. And every time I started to smoke again I tried to hide it from him because I felt so guilty for letting him down. But thankfully throughout all of it he never gave me any sort of ultimatum. Smokers who are trying to quit go through so much turmoil mentally, physically, and emotionally. If you add an ultimatum on top of that I think it’s just added and unneeded pressure. I’m not sure if it’s right or wrong b/c everyone is entitled to their opinion, but personally I think that if he ever gave me an ultimatum then we probably wouldn’t be together. It took me multiple attempts before I was able to fully commit to quitting and the fact that my boyfriend understood that it would be a process makes me love him more.

Personally, I think it’s a minor issue, and I would never react like she did–but that’s a matter of personal preferences. There’s no right or wrong. You can’t tell a smoker “Smoking is wrong, I’m right” and have them magically change, just as you can’t tell a nonsmoker “It’s my right, you’re wrong, back off.” You just have to acknowledge that you are 2 people with conflicting preferences, and you have the power to either live with that, or find someone else. The grownup thing to do is to get what you want or be happy with what you have.

I think that the reader is definitely not a horrible person for aggressively trying to stop her loved one/bf from engaging in a deadly habit. I used to smoke and although I never smoked SOOO much it definitely was a problem. My boyfriend didn’t like it, but he did it with me a lot (when we were stressed/drunk etc) so it basically fed into it. I decided as a woman if I want to have kids one day I had to stop 100% even if I wasn’t addicted. I needed to respect my body enough to completely stop and not just have “one every once in while”. The way I think that relates to the reader is she could engage in a discussion about their future life/plans. Second hand smoke is deadly, dangerous for her and for their potential children. Maybe things like that will make the quitting more tangible and achievable? I think they should also seek quitting ‘help’ together. Read articles, try out new things (chantix etc perhaps?) and works through the slip ups/ups and downs together. Since he is having a hard time with it it doesn’t make sense to be forcing him into a cold turkey “me or the cigs” thing right now. I think the end goal should be you are the cigs but I believe the process right now sounds UBER critical and them working through it together would be of huge value to their relationship.
S

I have mixed emotions on this topic like many of the others seem to too. First of all although I may not like the habit, when I married my husband his dad smoke for 40 years and I had to deal with that smell whenever we went over there or stayed with them. It is strange because until my husband moved out and we live in an area that is no smoking and whenever he is around it again he will notice it, but didn’t for the whole time growing up. Thankfully my father in law has since quit and is doing great. I think what is so hard about this is even though he smoked I still loved him and accepted the smoking for that reason. Now that I am married I have strong feelings about what my husband eats because I love him and want to see him healthy. However, he chooses 90% of the time to eat pretty unhealthily and I don’t want to be a knag. This is sort of how you must feel with the smoking, you love them, but don’t want them to resent you for your constant nagging. I think it is a slippery slope for sure, because we need to love them in spite of their faults, but often those faults can be unhealthy. I am sorry because I do not think there is a “right” answer, because this is a decision you would have to make ultimately, what would make you happy in the end.

I used to smoke in college, a lot, my breakfast would be a cigarette and a coffee, and I smoked when I drank, which was a lot. I quit last year for 4 months when I started training for my 10 mile race, and then started again when my bf and I broke up. I recently quit again and it was never that hard for me to go without, which is sometimes why I don’t understand why some people have such a hard time with it. I do know that when I had a bf who hated smoking and would give me a hard time about it, I only wanted to smoke more. You have to quit for you, not because someone wants you to.

My husband and I both smoked when we met. He had to have foot surgery and in the pre-op tests they found a spot on his lung x-ray that freaked him (and me) out enough to quit. He has stayed cig-free (no slip ups at all) for over 4 yrs. I, on the other hand, started smoking again a few months later. 4 years, and a few feeble attempts to quit later, I finally made the decision that I didn’t want to smoke anymore.

Our situation is a little different from e-mail writers, in that we both smoked when we fell in love and he changed (for the better!). He absolutley HATED the fact that I still smoked. He would tell me that the smell disgusted him (and who wants to disgust their husband!) it was mainly that feeling (and the knowledge that I was slowly killing myself, and knowing that one day I want to have children and I would have to quit smoking while pregnant so stopping now would be easier) that made me quit.

The point is, he won’t quit because you want him to. He has to want to quit for his own reasons. And I’m sure that he does “want” to quit. I would say that 90% of smokers do want to quit. But it is a VERy challenging thing to do, and I’m not sure that anyone who hasn’t had to has any idea just how hard it is. It really is not as simple as saying, “Well if he loved me enough, he would.” He loves you enough to try to do one of the hardest things in the world over and over again. One of these days, he will be successful. And if you truly love each other, it is worth waiting for that day.

Now, the bigger issue in my opinion, is him lying to you about it. Trust is huge in a relationship, and if he can’t be honest about his faults, and flat out lies to you…you may have a bigger problem than smoking on your hands….

My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years smoked 2 packs a day when we met. I don’t smoke. Gradually he quit because he WANTED to quit. He wanted it for himself and his health. I never made him feel bad for his addiction and I let him know that I was there for support. I don’t think you can give an addict an ultimatum and expect them not to try to hide it from you when they slip up (which, in reality, is bound to happen!). My boyfriend had a few slip ups and I was there to listen and support him. I think it is really important that the person trying to quit smoking has someone with a non-judgemental eye there for support and listening.

I think the smoker has to really want to quit for themselves. If the non-smoking partner has decided that this is a ‘make it’ or ‘break it’ thing for the relationship, then he/she needs to honor their needs and move on if the smoker doesn’t really want to quit.

I’m not a smoker, but my Mom died of lung cancer, and I currently date a man who chewed tobacco for 25 years before quitting this past Fall. While I can’t say I understand what they go through trying to quit, I do have to say that you can’t force someone to quit with an ultimatum. All they’ll end up doing is resenting you. They have to quit for themselves, or find a reason worth quitting. And telling them it’s “me or your addiction” is not a good enough reason. My man has been chew free since October, and while he still craves it, he’s not chewing. Which is great. But I’ve never pushed him toward quitting – it had to be on his own terms, and I think that’s the way it pretty much works for anyone… Good luck to your reader’s man – hopefully he can come to terms with it on his own…

I used to smoke. Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. You don’t quit because someone tells you to, you quit because you have finally come to the point where you want to and think you might have a decent chance at being successful. I think I read somewhere that the average smoker quits 16 times before they quit for good. I tried to quit 10 times before it stuck. I cut down, then switched to ultra lights and then went cold turkey. That’s what worked for me.

I think the best advice I could give to the reader is to try to create a supportive, honest environment. Slipups happen! Instead of taking it personally, help him talk out what triggered it and what he can do next time to change the outcome. If he feels ashamed to tell her, he will probably have a hard time being honest.

Bottom line- he has to want it for himself.

My Thoughts and Advice:

I smoked off and on throughout college and graduate school. Now, I can’t believe I did and find it disgusting. To be honest, it wasn’t difficult for me to quit, but every now and then I still get the urge to light up. Remember, for most people, it is extremely challenging and it has a high rate of relapse. You could encourage him to use some assistance like the gum, patches, or medication, each of which is proven to improve success. Your support, rather than demands, to help him quit are would be most helpful. If you push too much or too hard, you’ll just push him to do it and hide it at that. You CANNOT force someone to quit this habit, no matter how disgusting or harmful to his and your health it is. After all, if knowledge about smoking’s detrimental effects were enough, people wouldn’t begin smoking in the first place. And, the smoker really does have to be the one motivated to change for himself, even if one of his reasons to do so is his girlfriend. Even though you have every right to be hurt by his dishonesty, try not to take his smoking so personally. It is not because he doesn’t love you enough or care about your feelings. Ultimately, if it is something you truly feel you cannot live with, you’ll have to make some tough decisions. But, I would encourage you to stick it out and try to remain supportive.

I’ve been every kind of smoker you can think of (heavy, light, social, and now a non). It’s hard. I think people have already mentioned it as I skimmed through, but it looks like he’s working on quitting for her. But he’s still conflicted when it comes to quitting for himself.

Her “all or nothing” is putting alot of pressure on the situation, for sure. I think she needs to help him with the process, instead. And understand it’s going to take a few tries. It’s kind of like training- results don’t happen overnight!

As an ex-smoker (only 3 months smoke free but it’s better then smoking a pack a day right?), I will tell you that unless the smoker really wants to quit and is ready to quit they will not succeed! You can not give an addict an ultimatum because the addiction is way stronger than anything you can offer to that person.
I have smoked for 10 years. Of those 10 years I “wanted” to quit for 8 years! It wasn’t until my father (who also smoked) was diagnosed with lung cancer that it really hit me. Of course I’m not niave to think that smoking wasn’t affecting me but I chose to ignore it until something made it come crashing right smack center of my forhead! (on a good note chemotherapy has worked well for my dad, the masses have not grown since he was diagnosed a year ago! They haven’t shrunk either but it’s better then continuing to grow!)
I can’t tell you that quitting was easy, or that I did it cold turkey, or that I don’t want to smoke anymore , but I can tell you that it was hard but I was determined, I used chantix it worked for me hasn’t worked for others, I still get cravings for a cig but as soon as I smell someone smoking or that has just smoked I wanna vomit all over them!
The best thing she can do is Be supportive! Whether they have gone 1 day smoke free or one week it’s a milestone! celebrate it!

I always hate to admit that I was once a smoker. I haven’t smoked for 9 years now, but I agree with those above who said if the person doesn’t want to quit, then they won’t. It’s the same as eating raw food, taking up yoga, learning to drive – anything – you have to make a decision for yourself. No one else can force you to practice yoga. You have to want to show up and then keep showing up. I found it easier because my boyfriend supported me, and on the odd occasion that I went out on to our balcony for half of one (!) he never commented. That meant I had less stress in my life, which is one of the reasons I started. I do still like the smell of some cigarettes though (I know, gross, but hey). At the end of the day if I loved someone who smoked I would like to think I could love them fully anyway. You just have to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you, or not.

I’ve always heard that quitting smoking is the hardest thing a lot of people have ever had to do (my mom included). I always try to keep this in mind when I know a smoker who repeatedly tries and fails. I’m understanding in this respect, but for me smoking would be a dealbreaker right from the start when it comes to a relationship.

Caitlin, the blog post you linked to about the unhealthy eating habits of a significant other…now THAT is one I can relate to 100%. My bf is only about 30 lbs overweight, but I’m sure his habits have done far more damage to his insides. 6 cans of coke somedays, fast food for lunch most days, etc. It’s bad. I think he thinks he’s still 18 and that it won’t have an effect on him…but he’s almost 32.

It’s frustrating because I DO mention it, he thinks he’s not “that bad.” And I firmly believe that no one can make you change but yourself. <—maybe that's true of smoking too?

I smoked for 5 years and quit almost 5 years ago. I don’t believe that you can force anyone to stop smoking – people only make those kinds of life decisions when they are completely ready. You can’t force someone to lose weight, stop smoking, eat healthier – that person has to WANT it in order to do it. I quit smoking when I realized how pissed I’d be at myself 20 years from now if a doctor walked in and said I was gonna drop dead of lung cancer. And that thought made me put out the cig that I was smoking and never light up again.
If your gal really can’t handle it – I think she has to be prepared to leave knowing she might not ever get him back. Not leave him in an attempt to encourage him to quit. I guess it’s all give and take – no one’s perfect, right? Sometimes we have to choose to tolerate some things if we want people in our lives, or if we love them that much. I’d respect your reader for either choice that she made. What’s the saying? Love ain’t easy? 😉

I can completely sympathize with her. My fiance is a smoker, and has been since we met. I too, in the past, was a social smoker, but have stopped that for over a year and now, if we go out somewhere you can smoke inside, the smell really gets to me. The one thing I have learned is that you can’t force anyone to stop smoking, they just have to be ready. If they’re not fully ready to give it up, they won’t be able to. They have to want to do it for them to be successful.
It is no easy situation to deal with, but maybe if they really communicate through the whole thing, like if he slips up and knows he can talk with her about it, it would make it a little easier through the process? If you decide to stay, just let him know you are there for him – it won’t be simple, but ultimately, you have to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker for you.

Smoking is a totally dealbreaker, in my opinion. Who wants to kiss an ash tray??? Gag me!

Smoking is an addiction like any other, and needs to be treated as such. There are so many options out there to help someone quit, I encourage any and everyone to try an abundance of method until you find the one that works! Replace that bad habit with a good one! Mentally, you will never know the difference. 😉

Honestly, I was given “the ultimatum” 2.5 years ago. I wasn’t ready to quit, but I adored my boyfriend. So, I did what I could. Same story quit for 2 months and started again. Quit for 2 weeks and started again. I wasn’t ready to quit. Honestly, I was going to let the relationship go because he knew I smoked when he met me and I shouldn’t have to change who I am and what I do to keep him. It wasn’t fair to either of us. I hid smoking for 1.5 years and I hated hiding it. I felt terrible and when he’d ask, I would deny it. Last July 4th, I had my last cigarette. I was ready to quit for me! It had nothing to do with him, but did have everything to do with being ready. The thing about non smokers is that they don’t understand exactly how hard kicking the habit is. I started when I was 12(yes 7th grade!) and it took until I was 24 years old to finally quit for the last time. It’s hard when there is constant reminders of cigarettes. I stopped going to bars and other smoky places, and that helped kick the habit. I still get cravings, but overtime, for me it gets easier.

Encouragement goes a long way. Threatening to leave does NOT!!

Oh, and the boy and I are still together and happy! 🙂

I smoked from the age of 17 until I was 24. The STRONG menthol brands at that. One day I wheezed while walking up a flight of stairs and decided enough was enough! 24 year old women shouldn’t get out breath because of a few flights of stairs. I quit cold turkey that day. No patches or magic pills. NADA! The first few weeks were rough. It was, for me, mostly about breaking the HABIT not the DESIRE! I always smoked when I went out, on my breaks at work, when I drove etc… Filling that void in between my clammy little fingers was the hardest. Not the way actual smoking made me feel.

After a few more weeks I was fine and haven’t look back since. Not even once for a secret little puff. That was 9 years ago. (my god I’m getting old…HA) You realize how much it smells on people, on their breath, clothes and in general and you wonder why you ever did it it the first place. Not like it tastes good!

I’m not saying it wasn’t hard to quit. But saying that it’s just tooo hard is not realistic. You just have to want it bad enough. It’s as simple as that! Same goes with anything else you want out of life.

Best of luck if you’re trying to quit! 🙂

On a side note, when I quit, my sister quit, then my Papa and then my Mama. It was a chain reaction of greatness. None of us have smoked since. 😉

Hi there – This is a really tough one. When Jason and I started dating – he also smoked. Instead of confronting the smoking head-on, I tried to make his eating habits better. As he started to eat healthier and exercise more – he realized that smoking didn’t fit with his new life style. Sometimes you just have to look at it from a different angle – maybe you can’t change your bf but you can certainly help try to point him on a direction.

Just wondering re: your 3 changes: no dairy, but they recommend you eat eggs?

Most ultimatums don’t work because people don’t fully follow through on them. If you don’t follow through on your word he’ll never take your demand completely seriously. It sounds like you have given him many chances and will continue to do so.

Well I missed the first 114 comments… 🙂

Can I just say something? This is why I love the world of blogs. Blogs have provided us with a place where strong, honest and open women and men can share their thoughts and beliefs in respectful and truthful ways. I have learned so much from you all out there and I just want to say thank you!

A beautiful way to see the other side of a situation and to learn how to approach something that is emotional, difficult and hard to accomplish. 🙂

Some good advice here, but lots of opinions that I find a bit above and beyond… My husband smokes and has for years. He started when he was a teen when we were still new in our relationship.
I don’t like that he smokes, but I don’t harp on him for it. It needs to be HIS decision, not mine. I can’t force him into quitting or else, as another poster mentioned, it will create resentment. There are tons of other activities people do that harm their body as well. Would you be considering leaving him if the issue were to continues to eat McDonalds?
(I’m sure I’ll get criticism for making that comparison, but honestly…)
Be real here – this isn’t a major mood-altering addiction. I would be thankful he is not addicted to something worse. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that you have been with him for four years and considering throwing in the towel over … smoking…
Be honest with him on all accounts, but take a positive reinforcement approach.

Caitlin, I came across u’r blog a couple of months ago and I have been reading ever since . The situation you had described had happened to me . When I started going out my husband ( my then boyfriend) he was a smoker who smoked a pack a day . It has been 9 yrs since we have been together , and in the first couple of years I have fought hard enough and made him quit and he did just for me , but he could not keep it long enough . So is stopped saying anything about his smoking habit at all , it did cause a drastic change but in the last couple of years he had realized how its taken a toll on himself and he needs to take care of himself better , that forced him to quit smoking and he went cold turkey one fine day and hasn’t touched since then . My opinion , honestly is to not force the person to quit , rather explain things that would impact u’r life together beacause of his decision and leave it to him to make the decision but defintely let him know that you would support him if he decides to quit .

I really have no useful advice, but my fiance’s uncle was a model in the 60s and he was the Marlboro Man for awhile. True story.

Oddly enough, he is now in his 60s and is a champion handball player that doesn’t smoke and is in excellent health!

My husband has been a smoker since he was 14. I am not a smoker nor have I ever been a smoker. When we first met we were in college. Most of the time when we hung out we were with friends at bars. We both had full time jobs and were full time college students so that was just the lifestyle at that time. I knew he smoked but I just assumed it was while he was drinking, as lots of people do. When we first moved in together and both graduated, I still didn’t realize that he smoked during the oridinary day. He sometimes would smell like it because he worked in a restaurant but he NEVER smoked at home so I had no clue. I was just being blind to the fact, I guess. We have had our talks about him quitting and he has definitely cut back but he hasn’t quit completely. About 3 years ago he told me that he has always promised himself that he would quit smoking when we have children. He knows what a bad habit it is and it doesn’t want to subject our children to it. Even though we don’t have children yet, I am going to hold him to this. We have had so many fights about smoking that I am surprised it didn’t tear us apart. My best advice would be to not lose sight of why you want him to quit. You want him to quit because you are concerned about his health and you love him. You want to live a long and happy life together. You can only help a person as much as they want to be helped, then you have to either let it go and let them go if you can’t live like that.

I’m in love with a smoker!!

I am responding a bit late, but wanted to add my two cents.
I want to reiterate what everyone else has said: quitting is hard. I have asthma and BOTH my parents smoked (my asthma was acquired, too.. I wasn’t born with it). My mom quit for me. She never smoked when pregnant, but would always start again. I asked her once when I was 9 why she was smoking again, and she said she felt so guilty for lying to me that she just up and quit and hasn’t smoked since (almost over 15 years).
My dad on the other hand has smoked about a half pack or less my whole life. I tried to make him quit growing up and he ended up lying to me. I ended up giving up because I realized as I got older that as long as he didn’t do it around me, he wasn’t going to change his habit.. he doesn’t see a problem with it.
Ultimatums are NEVER good, let me tell you that.. often times they just push people away.

I haven’t read all of these responses yet, but I hope you’re still reading your responses! I’m 20 and my bf is 24, we’re the same age as the two of you, a year behind you now 😉 but we’ve only been dating for about 2 months. It feels like it’s been so much longer than that, and every day we’re continually growing.

Like you, smoking is the only thing that bothers me about Jesse. I’ve lived with it my whole life and I hate smoking passionately. I know that to be with Jesse that it will be a constant struggle, but I’m afraid that if I stay with him I will be compromising my hard work against smoking, my strong passion against it. I too don’t want to just tell him that it’s either me or smoking because that’s no reason to quit. It has to be on his own, which he wants to stop, he just hasn’t managed to do so yet. His actual smoking doesn’t bother me because he never does it around me, but I know that if we’re living together it won’t be quite so easy to avoid. Anyway, my dad was an addict, is an addict actually, and it’s created a lot of problems between us, but I also know that no one can quit with out the love and support they need behind them. Otherwise, what’s the point if no one cares about you anyway?

Would you consider it compromising my beliefs, my passion to just say it’s okay? It’s not the smoking, it’s also the addiction. The promise to do something, but never living up to it. I can’t pretend that I’m not upset, and I can’t constantly bare down on him because then he’ll start hiding it from me. He’s already not telling me unless I ask, when he used to tell me every time he smoked. How do other people handle it? Your story does really make me feel good =)

Thanks!
Amanda

My boyfriend was a smoker when we got together 7 years ago, and he had been smoking for a very long time before that. However, a couple years ago he got the serious flu and he couldn’t even get up or sit up for a smoke. So, he asked me to go get him some patches to deal with the nicotine fits. He made the choice. That’s the thing with smokers, they really have to be the ones to say they’re ready to quit. He could have waited, and gone back to smoking after he was well enough again, but he didn’t. He decided it was time. The opportunity was there, and he took it. I could never force him to quit, and so I accepted that it was something that was a part of him that I would have to deal with. There’s plenty in myself he has to deal with I’m sure. If you love someone so much, you’ll accept them for who they are.

I, unfortunately gave the love of my life that ultimatum & had to walk away from our relationship. I am 36 and ready for children and marriage. He has told me he’s been in love with me since he first saw me at age 17, & yet he could not quit smoking for me. It’s been 2 years and we still talk but he hasn’t quit smoking and I haven’t moved back in.

Moral of the story is, he’ll quit when he wants to & the addiction is more powerful than anything. I know he loves me more than his life, but he still can’t quit smoking ciggarettes.

I realize that this is a very old discussion, but still wanted to share. I grew up with parents who smoked- as many others have who’ve responded and always hated it. I was embarrassed and hated the smell. Ten years ago my mother got lung cancer and died after three years. It was traumatizing. 🙁 luckily my father did quit and is in good health. I have to say that I honestly do think there comes a time when an ultimatum needs to be given. Yes, if someone knew going in it may not be very fair to make that demand, however, I think there is something to be said for making intelligent decisions. I have never dated a smoker, considering my past. I did have one person lie to me and smoke during our two year relationship. I’m sorry but I could not stay with someone who lied, but also I could not put my (future) children in that situation.

To be honest, I’ve battled addiction to Xanax which was prescribed for anxiety. I had no idea how addictive it was, but I became dependent and it was extremely difficult to beat. I’m a little sick of hearing about how difficult quitting smoking is. Any addiction is tough.. I get that! At the same time, so many people have quit smokin successfully. Plus, in this day and age I think people are really aware of how damaging smoking can be. I wish I had had that knowledge about Xanax prior to taking it. I sure as heck wouldnt expect someone to support it or stay with me until I was “ready” to quit. Once I realized I was physically dependent I quit. I wouldn’t expect someone to commit his life to me if I had that addiction.. Especially not with kids I our future.

I am very familiar with this battle. My husband and i just recently got married in April ’14 but were together for 3 years before that. He was a smoker when we first started dating and wasn’t really an issue at first. You may say “if you don’t like cigarettes don’t date a smoker”, but you can’t help who you fall in love with. I think it’s completely unfair to use, “well he was smoking before you started dating” because like she said, relationships are about bending, and compromising, and being considerate of the person you promised the rest of your life to. And if everyone stuck to a smoker’s logic of “i was doing this before you” then nobody would ever change, and things would just go around in circles. And according to a smoker’s logic, if i was bulimic, or anorexic before we got together, then it makes it okay for me to continue to be that way. I would hope that my husband who says he cares about me would try to get me to stop if i had a life threatening habit like that. Smoker’s are selfish and constantly put their happiness above anyone else’s. I love my husband so much, i want to be with him forever and i don’t want to lose him to something he could have prevented. Why should i have to live with second-hand smoke just because i happened to fall in love with a smoker? At some point our relationship has to mean more than smoke.